Tuesday, September 30, 2003
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[MOOD]==[pissed]==[fuckingpiss]
[time]==[7.47pm]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---kinda juz woke up n had my dinner...din't eat much...didn't eat lunch too... i haf no mood to do anyting nowadays.... everyday i feel like shit it sucks... i really hate it i really do i hate everything dat is happening in my life EVERYTHING!... gawd does it sucks... i was wif my palpal aft sch today i hate to go hm so early i hate my hm i HATE IT... going hm early SUCKS fucked up! anyway she ask me wat happen to me...why i m so sianz..why i nvr smile... she ask me quite afew qns she really noe me well...she does... she know me better den my mum n her... aft toking to her awhile i feel alot better tho' but den aft a call everything change... i feel like shit cos i noe dat we are nt gona meet again i knew it i told my palpal dat... n she say maybe not lar she scared she let u wait... i was like i noe i'm used to it.. it doesn't bother her nt meeting me now anyway... i'm not as important anymore...i guess...at least dats how i feel... we hardly sms...anymore...we hardly tok too... wat is tis wat are we becoming to... everyday i haf no mood to do my wrk...no mood to eat...slp even play game... all of tis is affecting my life n studies... n i guess she tinks she the onli one who is affected...she nvr ask abt wat happen to me even tho' i told her dat my studies n all sucks.... how do i feel abt dat...i feel dat she dun care... she tinks dat her life nw is the worse... she has to deal wif it n she expect me to be ok wif it too...i'm trying my best to be ok wif it...but i'm not perfect... i'm nt flawless i also haf my own prob to deal wif... do u noe the all the teachers dat are teaching are 90% of dem already condemmed us... bcos of our poor attendance... we are treated like shit in class... teacher everyday scold scold scold over lil stuff...fucking stress n piss everyday n i still haf to go hm n face my parents.... esp my mum haven tok to her since last sat... n i still haf to be ok wif watever she throws in my face... i really miss her like crazy even if u ask to me skip i full day to meet her for one fucking min i will do dat... n she gives me reason she is tired.. she dun wana meet... i'm also tired... n all but nvm resting is more important i noe.. i juz dun hold a high place in her heart anymore...i guess...she juz dunno how much she means to me... how i feel everytime she say lets not meet bcos of tis or dat... hai but all her reason is right anyway i'm juz demanding... as ass.. i really tink dat i had enough of all tis... i really do...today when i go sch i was kinda hppy cos i tot i will get to meet her today... but NO didn;t again... i actually told myself dat if today we dun meet den dats it... i had it... i didn;t know its alrite dat she can dun meet me for so long when she says she miss me aft 1-2hrs we juz meet n went hm... i dunno i'm starting to doubt... maybe i tink to much.... but still no matter wat happen when we quarrel i nvr say anything bad abt her to hit her bac.... maybe its bcos i got nothing to say she is perfect ...maybe but i always prefer to keep silent...cos idun wanna say anything to hurt her.... but... guess i'm nt good enough to get treated dat way... i feel dat i m being ignored everytime... but nvm i can take it its alrite... i juz haf to keep giving in to her i guess.... maybe one day i might juz disappear in tis world... when i find the courage n a less painless way to disappear i will do it... i really had enough....i really had it.... but i'm still nt willing to let.. go...i still love her very much .... i hate myself
| The.Goodbye. 9/30/2003 08:15:00 PM |
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[MooD]==[blank]
[time]==[1.34pm]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---can u believe its onli 1plus in the aftnn n i'm HM FROM SCH.... guess its like first in my life aft nafa i go hm so early fr sch.... dat sucks it really sucks fuck it.
| The.Goodbye. 9/30/2003 01:36:00 PM |
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Monday, September 29, 2003
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[MooD]==[fucked up]...[fucking piss]
[time]==[11.41pm]
[music]==[linkinpark]=[faint]
---i feel so piss everytime aft toking to her i dunno why i'm piss at myself... i really hate it i hate tis fucking feeling feel like shit everytime... i feel dat there is a distant between us a part of me says its beyond hope but a part of me doesn't wanna let go...hai i'm so confused... i feel so tired... trying to act like everything is ok.... hai nvm its my own prob anyway... till nwi still feel very piss very very piss at myself i hate myself why m i like dat why do i always haf to be like dat... it sucks totally ... i'm now in my room or shld i say my house dats where i'll be when i'm hm been ignoring my mum since this evening i really hate her i feel so squeeze out i'm dry already stop bugging me for once... i haf nvr smile since i dunno when no more swt dreamz no more peaceful slp for me whenever i'm on my bed wif my lights off i tink abt my life whether its gd or bad ...n bad always appear i tink abt my studies...sucks....my family...sucks....money management...sucks...[even though i dun really care] i used to n still try to tink dat my lovelife is gd.... finding reason everyday to tell myself how lucky i was n how happy i WAS...watever happen nw is temporay everything will be alrite soon...hopefully... hai but at the end she is still the one i love n wished to hold ...
| The.Goodbye. 9/29/2003 11:57:00 PM |
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[MooD]==[pissed]...[down]
[time]==[7.44pm]
[music]==[none]
---stayed at hm the whole day till nw... been quarrelling wif my mum the whole day i can't stand staying at hm wif her. every single thing she has to shout at me wtf... can nvr tok to me nicely i really hate it man she is defintely pissing me off making me feel like shit all the thing i hate my home i hate it i 'm so alone fuck it... i feel like i'm being thrown on a an island wif nothing else i rather dere be snakes dat kill or even dinosaurs dat eat me so i can die early but no there is nothing juz me down dere staring into blank space waiting to die
| The.Goodbye. 9/29/2003 07:49:00 PM |
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[MooD]==[alone]..[depressed]...[hatredofmyself]...[troubled]
[time]==[1.07am]
[music]==[none]
--- was wrking the whole day today... kinda hectic at wrk did rewrk on one fucking area 3times...was kinda piss off... n haf to do fucking cashier too damn fucked up... i was trying to hide my hand when i was at cashier... i was actually ashamed of wat i haf done to my hand for awhile... but i tot of it again... i juz dun wanna let the customer see wats on my hand... nt anyone else... i dunno wats dat... but i feel dat i didn't do enough on fri... but i'm kina sick of doing dat feel like burning instead... it sounds fun... but i scared it will smell... so haf to do it when no one is ard... nw when i look at myself i find myself sick... but i'm still doing it... there is no other way to express wat i'm feeling inside...except pain... i wan the pain on my skin to cover up the pain dat is in my heart... but it doesn't seem to help... it still hurts like hell... on fri i wanted to take my life...by slashing myself....i feel so depressed...so alone....so down.....but when i pointed my penknife at my neck the phone rang... my mum called.... i was kinda shocked.. din really wana pick up the phone but den aft awhile i picked up cos i wanna know how is my grandfather... and it was dat call dat make my presence nw... to me i tink dat its god dat dun allow me to die yet.. tho' at dat point of time i was toking to my gf... but we were in silence... i can't take it anymore was cutting myself the whole time toking to her... i dunno why i did all this stuff... i dunno i change i did... i change for the worse...nt better... i can nvr go bac to my old self again... i hate it i hate wat i'm facing rite nw... i hate crying everynite i hate crying whenever i tink abt her... i'm so weak nw...so useless nw... if i haf juz one wish... i wish i can die nw...
| The.Goodbye. 9/29/2003 01:27:00 AM |
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Sunday, September 28, 2003
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[MooD]==[alone]..[depressed]
[time]==[12.54am]
[music]==[linkinpark]=[easiertorun]
--- spend the whole day at hm slacking most of the time i dunno wat i am doing i feel like i'm in a trance.... giddyness fills my head the whole time n my vision is blurr... i dunno wat is happening to me...i feel so weak n can't even see clearly went to play bball in the evening couldn't even see clearly i feel like there is a piece of transulsent paper covering myself... but i still manage to scold a few basket...went to mac aft the game bought a burger to eat n my hands are shaking n unstable maybe its due its bcos i didn't eat since last aftnn... hai.. i been feeling sick n puke-y tink i'm drowning myself too much..but i can't help it ... i tink i'm up to the point when i'm finally gonna break down....
| The.Goodbye. 9/28/2003 01:02:00 AM |
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Friday, September 26, 2003
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[time]--[10.32am]
[music]--[none]
[mood]--[down]...[lost]
--- i dunno wat to say i haf so many things in my mind nw...i feel so stress up n i haf i feel dat i haf no one to tok to... i'm doing real bad in sch my attendance is poor...my grades are low n none of my wrk is complete... its been so long since felt happy...since i really smile from my heart... i'm now in sch hai can't seem to concentrate feel like shit like like crying all the time i hate my life... i hate myself.... i hate the people... i hate everyone... recently my mum told me my grandfather contracted cancer... when i heard it i dun really feel anything cos i'm not close to my grandfather at malaysia...but when i saw the look on the face of my mum i felt dat i m inhuman i actually dun feel a thing.... but juz yesterday my mum told me dat the doc say the most he can live till is end of this year... den i suddenly feel the pain in my heart... i feel the pain in my mother i wished i could go bac to malaysia to see him but i haf sch today n i haven go n extend my passport yet... so i can't go...so rite nw i'm all alone in Singapore .... i'm feeling so lonely n lost....n helpless...i dunno wat to do n i haf no one to tok to....n anyway i dun tink i will tok to anyone too... its my own prob.... nw i'm juz someone who appears happy n alrite on the outside but lost helpless n sad in the inside... i feel dat i'm gonna break down soon.... i can't slp at nite...most of the time i try to cry myself o slp...or shld i say i cry myself to slp all the time... i tink i'm gonna break soon... i dun tink i can take all this shit much longer already....i need someone to be dere for me.... somebody save...me.....
| The.Goodbye. 9/26/2003 10:28:00 AM |
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Monday, September 08, 2003
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to the person who left the msg at my guestbk u are so clever how do u noe i'm fr nafa..... did i ever say dat? hmmm let me tink how did i offend u?....hmmm u sound like someone i noe... someone fr fridae?...hmmm...hahaha dats cool come on lar wat did i do again? how did i offend u again dat u haf to threaten me n bad mouth me... i didn't tink dat studying in nafa is cool in fact i tink its downgrading cos noone noe wat is nafa... so why would i be proud of it... u tink too much man... u really do maybe u shld like look back n all n search when did i ever say studying in nafa is a proud thing... haha but cool fuck face...do i act like i'm very cool in sch? hmmm...let me think...i dun tink so wat...there are so many more who are worse... n i dun dress till like wat ... juz t-shirt n jeans... hmmm thats weird didn't know ur acting cool expectation so low...oh well think watever u wanna think n yeah why didn't u leave a name.. man.... come on dare to write dare to admit heard of dat?
| The.Goodbye. 9/08/2003 01:00:00 AM |
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