Wednesday, October 29, 2003
--
[MooD]==[mixed]
[time]==[11.45pm]
[music]==[suede]=[attitude]
---been wondering wat to type for the last 20mins... feel so lost.. always... hai been tinking alot... n it comes down to tis conclusion.. all this shit is i brought it upon myself.. i did.. i really did... now i really feel like killing myself... gawd.. all this shit... all this torture.. all these pains... all caused by me... by me.. onli me.. why... even tho' i tried to put the blame on her... deep down i knew i didn't... if i did.. why m i still here.. here wif her... i can't believe dat i be so forgiving... maybe cause deep down inside.. i noe the fauly lies wif me.. i created the probs... n i m supposed to pay for it.. dun worry i shld be able to pay for it soon.. soon as i get the courage
| The.Goodbye. 10/29/2003 12:11:00 AM |
__________
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
--
[MooD]==[cursing]
[time]==[12.10am]
[music]==[simpleplan]=[perfect]
---I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect------------------------i'm crying... no matter how hard i try not
---------------------------------------------------------to i can't seem to stop... its very tiring
---------------------------------------------------------did i do anything wrong? why is all tis
---------------------------------------------------------happening... we used to be really happy
---------------------------------------------------------together juz the 2 of us... why has it
---------------------------------------------------------become like dat... wat did i do wrong tell
---------------------------------------------------------me... i wana change.. i wanna be back to wat we used to be... i really missed it... why... why.. why... wat is wrong... do u noe its killing me.. i can't stop tinking abt it.. i really can't..i can't concentrate on my wrk... i dun even noe how many times i cried today... its too much.. i really can't take it... i really can't all these keep flashing bac to me... why did she say those stuff to her... did she mean it... if she did... wats wrong wif us.. den... hai... why are u doing tis to me... why say forever.. to me... why...i hope u mean it... i m crying so hard nw... i cannot accept the fact dat tis is happening to me... i dun wana believe wat ppl say i rite nw its rite infront of my eyes... why why... hai i duno wat u call tis... i really duno... i dun wan it to be too... but i duno..the ans is in u... not in me... but why do u haf to do tis to me.. why... why... why.......... why do u wana do tis to me... i really love u... i really did... pls tell me u did too...
| The.Goodbye. 10/28/2003 12:37:00 AM |
__________
Monday, October 27, 2003
--
[MooD]==[paranoid]
[time]==[6.24pm]
[music]==[JT]=[senorita]
---hai...rite nw i really wana trash myself up... i really do... cos i had enough of myself... gawd hai sorrie jess.. i 'm really... i tink u feel dat i m so uptight wif watever u do... wana noe all n stuff... i admit dat i m.. i admit dat i can't trust u... i admit... i'm sorrie.... its so tiring... hai... trust is really very important to me.. n rite nw i juz can't bring myself to put all my trust in u... hai give me some time... i'm sorrie... i look at bac at the guestbk n recalled the times we had... n i was laughing n crying at the same time... hai i m really trying hard to not wander my thoughts ard.. hai sorrie i dun wan why m i like dat... why did i change so much... i m so tired of myself...i will really try my best to believe u i will.. hai... time is always the fucking factor... i need it nw for everything... hai sorrie... i love u ... i really do... hai i m really disappointed... i m very... dat u can't even make the decision... btwn me n jac.. haha wat a joke.... i feel like i'm been cheated in a way... wat a fool i m... got myself to blame.. for believing... someone i tot i could... maybe my words are harsh... but dat is how harsh the reality is to me... tell me wat is truth can any1 define it if nt why is ther such a wrd n its mkin me miserable like living a lie... dats wat i appear on my msn.. dats how harsh the truth is... dat i m living a lie...
| The.Goodbye. 10/27/2003 06:53:00 PM |
__________
--
I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify...
Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say ---- wish i can dun play the games.. wish i can dun
---------- -------------------------------listen to the things ppl hafta say... wish dat i can
------------------------------------------choose wat i wana see n wat i dun... but i can't
-----------------------------------------i wish i was dead.. or i was blind or deaf.. or even
------------------------------------------ dumb... den i wun nt haf to hear, see n say, abt
-------------------------------------------the pains dat i see... pains dat i will face... n
------------------------------------------- things dat i dun wan hear... or know... i'm so sick
------------------------------------------- of it already...
| The.Goodbye. 10/27/2003 04:12:00 PM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[lost]
[time]==[1.01pm]
[music]==[3doorsdown]==[herewithoutyou]
---i've been staring at the screen for kinda long time... i duno where to start.. i really tot everything will be alrite... i really feel so much better... i really did until a msg came... 'it takes two hands to clap. It may seems that i'm backstabbing u. But yet she is keep trtg me more then a fren. So wad m i supposed to do?gif up or cont as wad she says,gif her some tym.-jac'.. one thing straight i didn't force her to make the decision... i told her do as she pls.. its u who is forcing her.. fr wat i see.... i duno who to believe... jess pls tell me the truth pls... i really need it.. even if its gona hurt me like hell i rather noe it nw... really dun give me hope n den juz let me fall really i'm hurt enough... i dun wana noe ur choice nw.. all i wana noe is dat m i the onli one dat u love... like wat u told me... i'm really begining to trust u... until dat msg come... nw tell me wat m i supposed to do... i'm crying like crazy every nw n den ...whenever i tink abt u i cry... the truth is i can't even bring myself to trust u totally... i'm sorrie... i really want to trust u aft u copy n paste some stuff... i really did... but nw tis msg comes and say u are treating her more den friend... no matter how much i love u n wana believe u... i can't stop myself to doubt again...i'm sorrie.. i really m...pls forgive.. me... rite nw... i juz wanna cherish the time i haf wif u...
| The.Goodbye. 10/27/2003 01:35:00 PM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[boiling]
[time]==[4.04am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---tis is my life how i live it n end it its my own choice my own responsblilty ain't no asking anyone to bear it... i dun wan to threaten anything.. or wat.. pls dun get the picture wrong... since the first day u knew me i said wats my wish it is to die young.. i'm juz fufiling it nw.. so dun make ur decision wif wat i had decide.. to do wif my life... if u tink i'm not helping u.. if u tink i dun care.. den i m speechless.. i really am.. i really didn't noe its hard to hurt someone who hurt u so much... before.. was all dat really wat u feel u... i'm really happy when u say dat u onli love me n not her... i really m i'm really glad... but pls dun blame me for doubting anything... i can't see the truth nw.. not even from myself... i'm trying to find fr the truth myself too... i'm doubting myself if i can really juz ignored everything... but i juz haf to go on n tink dat i can... even tho' it hurts so much... i'm sure u tink i shldn't feel hurt... but why do u tink dat... u tink by saying dat u love me and dat i m the onli one u love is gona mend all the hurt i got... no its not... tho's it helps alot... the fault is not juz at u.. its me who can't pretend everything is alrite... i really can't.. how would u feel if its my ex who is calling me n sms me all the time n i tell u give me some time to settle tis thing... n the reason i give u is dun wan to hurt my her... how will u feel... esp when the person betrayed u before n can tell me u dun wan to hurt her... so u would rather i get hurt too.. i noe i sound selfish.. i'm sorrie... but i didn't started anything.. i duno who started it at first.. i sick of wanting to noe dat truth... if i u are so unsure abt us... den dun tell me vice versa stuff.. dun put me high up n juz let me fall... i rather fall nw... i dun haf the confidence in myself anymore... n wif wat u are doing... it onli pulls my confidence down n wondering if i'm hearing the truth... i'm so sorrie... i really am.. tis is wat i really wanna say... tis is wat i really really feel... i didn't wana tell u the truth cos u will juz tink dat i'm trying to push u n hitting u wif the shit again... but pls... i'm not a sandbag... nor a feelingless person... i haf my own feelings... i really do tink abt how u feel before u tok to u... so pls.. dun put me wif jac ... no matter wat ur decision is i will respect it... n pls i m responsible for myself... ok pls... its my life... pls... dun let wat i decide or said affect ur decision...i dun wan lies no more... i'm sick of it ... n i'm getting numb at it... i dun get so wrked up nw.. cos i m so numb at it... how i wish i'll feel numb wif the pain i feel inside my heart... but its juz not the case... n jac if ya looking at tis... pls... dun be a loser.... all i see is all i can believe nw n i dun wan to come to the point dat i haf to confront u... by then it will defintely be ugly.. i dun wan to go to dat point... n dun be a bastard by asking jess to give me up..i didn't even say all these shit... wat are u trying to prove dat ur a wuss? i didn't say anything not becos i m confident... seriously i'm not.. i juz dun wan to be a bastard who stab at ppl's back... oh well thank you u stabbing mine...
| The.Goodbye. 10/27/2003 04:34:00 AM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[mixed]
[time]==[1.11am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---i really did enjoy myself today.. hai but there is still some torns in my heart... dat is hard to remove... i can't help it when u keep trying to hide.. hai i dunno why u still hiding it when everything u say u said is true... n hai if u dun wan me to noe dun show it so obvious...pls... cos i really noe... rite nw i really trying hard to not bother abt it n trying to forget abt it... hai but i really can't... i can't accept myself to be out of the picture.. i really can't... do u noe how it feels to worry abt tis n dat... n to doubt everyting... hai i really can't stand it anymore... i'm already prepared to end my life anytime... serious i'm so sick of my life... my family... my studies non of dem is doing well... i'm juz a failure in any n everything.... but pls i dun wan pity fr no one to keep me here... i dun wan no one to make a unwilling decison juz to try to save me i dun need tis pity... its my life i end it my way i dun blame no one for anything.. its all my fault for things to turn out like tis... i nvr really blamed anyone totally for wat happen to my life... maybe i do blame but deep down i noe its all my fault... but rite nw... its to the point dat i can take no more of all these... commiting sucide is a sin but its a sin worth dying for... i can the dat end is near.. walking towards it more day by day... seeing the vision more n more clearly... n its scaring me...
| The.Goodbye. 10/27/2003 01:46:00 AM |
__________
Sunday, October 26, 2003
--
[MooD]==[lost]...[crazy]
[time]==[2.14am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---.. i duno wat i shld do my... i'm troubled abt who shld i trust... hai maybe like wat zhong zi said who can define truth... no one.. but by my gut i noe i'm not getting it yet.. but i dun tink i'm gona do anything abt it.. cos i noe i wun get it n i dun wan make things worse.. its already bad enough.. i nvr tot tis would happen to me... if wat i noe is the truth den i m really disappointed dat i'm not getting it fr the person i want.. but i really hope its not true... cos i really almost wanna die when i knew it... but if it is really the truth i rather i noe it den i found out myself... cos by that time i dun tink i will be wanting to die... i tink i might juz go.. away from all the lies n pain in tis world... hai i really duno how to pass my second year now... i really can't concentrate on my wrk.... wif all these going on in my head... i really tink of giving up my studies nw... cos i really dun haf the mood to do my wrk nw... hai even my photography... i lose interest in it already... i duno how to live my life now.. really i keep getting back my fits alike feeling n even when i'm outside... gawd.. whenever dat happen i wld like anyone out dere to kill me... cos its really tough... hai it usually happen at hm cos dats when i will tink abt alot of stuff n yeah den it will turn out like dat... tink there is onli 2 way to stop it fr happening one is to remain calm n happy which is kinda impossible.... the other one is to die... by which is damn easy to achieve...to me... hai but rite now.. all i wan its tings to cool down... really hope dat someone can back off.. stop creating probs.. hai i had enough of it... if ur aim is to make things worse u did ... u made me crazy... happy? hai i juz wan all these to stop.. maybe i might be wrong... maybe i've been lied to make me feel tis way... but wat can i do... dats all i noe... no one is telling me anything... i'm left down dere wif half or quarter of the truth... n it is really hurting me to the max... cos i really duno wat i shld do.. i really don't... duno how i shld feel... duno how i shld react... hai... wish someone can spare me from all these... help me...
| The.Goodbye. 10/26/2003 02:42:00 AM |
__________
Saturday, October 25, 2003
--
[MooD]==[fuckedup?]..[bored]
[time]==[12.59am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---duno wat i m exactly feeling nw... juz one thing straight ..i'm not STUPID...i can really tell whether u are telling the truth or wat...i'm gd at tinking alot... analysing tings its gd n bad cos i can also think to the stage dat i can be so sure dat the person is lieing at all... it happen before wif my gd friend iris... n yeah our friendship almost broke up...until she finally admit all those lies she said... well tin jess shld noe dat i'm gd at telling wat the person is tinking or wanting to do.. cos she tried to bluff me n surprise me... but i was really bluff-ed or surprised... wasn't i?... ahaha well i tink i'm a freaking analytical person... which to the stage sometimes i scare myself.. cos my friends said dat i can be the mastermind of all those evil stuff cos i tink abt all the consequences n how n wat will happen... its kinda cool... cos most of my friends noes dat n they wun lie.. to me.. haha i'm a terrifying person in secondary sch.. hahaha cos when i blow up.. i dun even care if u are god.. or wat.. haha cos i always tinks dat telling me the truth hurts but finding out the truth hurts even more... i hate dat i really noe.. i went crazy befoe over dat iris thingy i will go crazy if it happens n i'm sure it's gonna be much much worse... yeah dats my post for today.. teaching u abt my personailty.. signing off u can call me lecturer chris... alright dats all for today class.. u guys can go off nw... any qns pls stay back n ask me abt it.. alrite have a nice day.
| The.Goodbye. 10/25/2003 01:20:00 AM |
__________
Thursday, October 23, 2003
--
[MooD]==[worried]=[chilling]
[time]==[1.01am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---hmm well overall today is not a very bad day its not bad even tho' didn't meet clj(cute lil jess/ chris love jess hehehe) wanted to go bedok reservoir to shoot my elements for my outdoor photography shoot...hai but my leg is usless haha tink i sprain it or wat haha but well nvm still can walk... n yeah i'm also carrying a 1k+ 2k digicam.. wif the box! plus my film paper... negatives... n camera... dun tink i wanna make dat trip too.. too many things to carry ... hahaha down wif lots of assignments haha but kinda enjoy doing some.. esp taking photos(of cos if not why i major in photography?) haha crappy me today dunno why... hai but i'm still worrying for the rest of the subs... sianz graphic design damn sianz... design some magazine... n den a book... of my journey somethings like dat hai... sianz.. man... but den aft printing my own black n white photos.. i feel better cos at least its my own wrk huh n i like it hahah n its even better when my lecturer says GD! hehe happens everytime i show him my photos hahaha... hai tis is the happy side of me.. today i shall not say the sad side of me.. hehe alrite toking to my dear dear nw too!!! ehehehe muacks miss her so much... gonna tok on the phone le soon!!! we always tok tok on the phone everyday !! hehehe muacks feel so weird if i dun hear her voice bfore i slp hehehe... oh yeah tink gona log off soon to tok on the phone already so signing off nw... peace... n yeah i'm trying to hunt down somebody nw.. juz hope dat person dun piss me off if nt i'm gonna camp at kembangan to noe where u stay n i'm gonna show u wat ur asking for..
| The.Goodbye. 10/23/2003 01:27:00 AM |
__________
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
--
[MooD]==[fuckedup]...[inpain]...[tired]
[time]==[11.32pm]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---had a tok wif my dad no quarrels wif him but its abt my fucked up mum she kp kb abt me to my dad nw he come n tok to me wtf i already cannot stand her already nw i hate her to the core... gawd i'm so not gonna care abt her nw... n fuck haf to face her more often at hm... she is not wrking anymore... n 2nd my dear nw goes hm early or seldom meet me le so dat means i gotta stay hm n see her face more often... n i wun haf the fucking mood to meet my other friends gawd.. i hate my home so much... hai dat really suck... i duno wat to say anymore...tis is the worse i ever feel in my whole life... nothing is working out for me... i really feel empty inside out... i'm no longer myself... i tink i'm going kinda crazy... i love to hurt mself out of no reason nw... it feels gd tho' it hurt but it makes me feel better i dunno why... i hate myself alot... like juz nw i fell down i hurt my elbow kinda bad... nw when i move it hurts alil... but when my gf tries to care n touch my elbow i juz kinda like move away... i dun wan ppl to care abt me... i haven got dat for so long n i tink i can do without it.. hai i tink she feels unhappy abt it hai in my heart i do wan her to care but i dunno why i juz dun want it...den.. hai n nw my back hurt like shit.... be it sit or lie it hurt tink juz nw dat fall really cause quite a huge damage on me... n i feel pain in my kidney? or stomach hahaha dunno wats dat tho' duno if its bcos of the bruises or juz some stupid stomach cramps haha well watever it is... it kinda hurts or shld i say it hurts alot... but gotta act i'm alrite at hm... cos i dun wan no care from my parents i dun nid it... i had enough of all her shit... she duno dat i like her the most... when i was in sec1 i actually feel very sad when i leave for sch... cos dat means she will be alone at hm... but i tink it doesn't really matter nw... i'm by myself ain't no caring for dem no more... hai... everyday i tell myself to relaz n not be bothered abt many stuff... like not meeting my dear... hai i dunno why i was so angry abt not meeting hai.. maybe i'm not used to it hai i dunno i'm guess so pissed maybe bcos i was planning to see her n can't wait to... den suddenly we are not meeting hai... nw i'm trying to tell myself to not be so anxious to see her to not hope much abt meeting her... n it helps sometimes... hai i'm glad dat she tries to study wif her friends nw... dats gd tho' i dun really like it... but i can't be selfish so i juz keep quiet not wanting to say much n juz let her study cos its rite... hai dunno my silence doesn't mean i'm piss juz dat i dun wanna say much... cos its already done n decided... n i dun tink i haf the mood to say much too... i dun wanna act.. dats me... i'm so sorrie abt it... but i'm really trying hard nw to be ok wif it...n if u tink sometimes i'm ignoring u... i'm sorrie but i really am cos i dunno why... i'm not angry but maybe alil pissed wif something dat juz happen... or wat... but i'll be ok... i'm a lil paranoid wif things nw.. my anger ticks off kinda easily but not those huge anger juz some mood swings stuff hai hope tis period can get over soon... i love u dear... i really do
| The.Goodbye. 10/21/2003 12:06:00 AM |
__________
Saturday, October 18, 2003
--
[MooD]==[low]...[down]
[time]==[11.18pm]
[music]==[simpleplan]=[perfect]
---juz had my bath... duno wat i m really feeling inside... its defintely not gd... before kinda had a tok to my palpal... n she said some stuff dat makes me so unsure abt my relationship... hai i dunno how to put it... but i dun like the feeling inside... hai... she actually advised me to let it go... cos she see the pain i'm in.. hai but i really can't bear to let it go... no matter how hard it hurts... hai i told her i'm trying to be mindless abt all these things... so as not to get hurt even more... hai sometimes i do feel better.. but sometimes it hurts even more... hai i wish she could somehow sense it... but she dun if she does den why she dun really care?.... even my palpal does... n i'm kinda shock... hai i'm speechless when my palpal told me abt wat she feels n all saying relationship is not juz abt one person... not abt suffering and keeping quiet.... not abt giving to one person onli... n not juz abt one person... dats how she feels i duno why i didn't tell much to her... n she kinds knew wats happening n she dun noe i haf a blog...hai... sometimes i do wonder if i can make her give in to me i really do.. but i doubt i can do it maybe can but sure not always... hai tis is my life... sad or gd... i dunno... but its defintely a hurting n depression time of my life... which is not gd.. i dun even haf the mood to do my assignments even tho' how hard i try too i dun haf the mood.. n i dun tink i'll ever get back my mood again... i'm not even worth a min.. to juz bother abt me not even a min... i'm juz not worth it for anything n anyone i guess
| The.Goodbye. 10/18/2003 11:35:00 PM |
__________
Thursday, October 16, 2003
--
[MooD]==[hmmm...]=[alrite]
[time]==[12.19am]
[music]==[3doorsdown]=[herewithoutyou]
---hmmm guess wat... i wasn't sick hai such disappointment... can't believe it man... i was shivering like hell the whole time...didn't really get to slp at all...but i do feel a lil weird like keep feeling hot... den cold on the out n vice versa but rite now its ok... hmm well aft yesterday dat walk i really did feel so much better... i really did... didn't really feel sad today hahaha kinda happy too..duno why well i keep telling myself to be back myself... n yeah nw i m gona do dat. live back my life...i can do it...
| The.Goodbye. 10/16/2003 12:27:00 AM |
__________
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
--
[MooD]==[down]=[drenched]
[time]==[1.32am]
[music]==[98.fm]
--- had a boring day today went hm aft sch.. my mum is still at malaysia.. so i'm alone at hm too.. i used to enjoyed it alot... but nowadays i dun seem to enjoy it dat much.. wanted to slp but was trying to keep myself awake cos i'm worried clj might msg me but den i fell aslp eventually but for awhile i guess maybe ard 1/2 or so... but clj did not msg me during dat period of time.. hai nvm guess i juz had nothing better to do den making myself feeling worse off.. n as usual i'm alone till late at nite.. my dad juz came back not long ago... well dunno why aft chatting wif clj yesterady n she commented 'so late still not back yet' den neglected suddenly slam rite at my face.. damn well i dun blamed her lar cos its true... my dad dun even care he juz went out wif his friends n his fucking jackpot games... didn't even called when he came hm he juz went to bathe den to slp.. didn't even bother to ask if i've eaten or wat... i dunno why recently i'm yearning for love so much... yearning for the love dat i nvr really wanted to feel fr dem... guess i'm juz a hopeless creature wandering ard the big earth... n tml i'm gonna go hm fr sch again!!! n i'm so gonna be alone at hm again i'm so sure dat my dad will go out n enjoy den maybe go n fetch my mum back which is late at night... hai well dats my pathetic life aye... ha.. its ok i can live wif it i guess... i juz came bac fr a nice cold drenched walk its was raining heavily... i wanted to get some of it so i went down took a stroll smoke and sit at the playground waiting to get drenched n wanted to feel 'lonelyness' i did i really felt in n it hurts somehow... but i guess god was wif me all the while... why would i say dat... the rain was damn heavy but when i went down to get some of it ... it somehow juz cool down n not much rain was comming down.. but still i walk ard n sit ard to get myself totally drenched den i came up... all the time... clj was in my heart..n mind... duno if i'm in hers tho'... but nvm hai rite nw i really dun feel dat sad anymore... i was so sad when i told her on the phone 'u go n slp dun bother abt me at all' n she said orh. hai i dunno why i haf become like dat... i'm trying real hard to feel the love from her... i'm so deprived of love.. nw... hai i really tot dat i could meet her tml... cos i'm damn bored but well...nvm she wants to study den its ok.. i got nothing to say cos its gd.. well guess i'm a loner haha no gf means go hm.. anyway i got no mood to go out anyway... hai juz rot at hm n tink of ways to make myself more pathetic... dats wat i always do now anyway... ...loner...signing off nw ... tink i'm gonna juz surf the bloody net... no mood to slp nw... n i'm still in my drenched clothes... i dun tink i'll change it tho' gonna slp in it... hoping i will get real sick... how pathetic can i be....very...
| The.Goodbye. 10/15/2003 01:54:00 AM |
__________
Saturday, October 11, 2003
--
[MooD]==[sad]=[hurt]=[down]
[time]==[11.02pm]
[music]==[none]
--- stayed at hm the whole fucking day... did fucking nothing...fucking bored... wat a fucked up saturday... n tml still gotta fucking wrk... i really hate it... the whole week the day i hate most is a FUCKING BORED SATURDAY which is today.... cos i FUCKING needto wrk on sun... damn pissed off... i really feel like killing myself man.. the worse ting dat can happen is tis n its happening nw!!! WTF WTH FUCKING SHIT... FUCKING NO MOOD TO WRK TML... still haf to go n face those fucked up ppl damn fucking pissed off nw.... feel like shit.. feel so hurt aft wat has happen... gawd wth is happening in my life... tell me pls.... n save me fr it...cos i can't take it much longer...
| The.Goodbye. 10/11/2003 11:09:00 PM |
__________
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
--
[MooD]==[tired]=[pissed]
[time]==[3.13am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---hmm juz finished my wrk n had a quarrel wif my fucked up dad.. i was trying to do my stupid armando's pagemaker wrk.. n i suck at it was pissed already n he juz come in n scold me for staying up so late wtf lor... duno wats his prob.. i shan't care abt him dat much *yawnz*... well about today was kinda gd n bad... bad in when i was having location shoot wif our lecturer i bang my head n nose on the playground... n it still hurts nw... sucky man... i tot its gonna break..cos i bang damn hard on it... at that moment i tot i was gonna faint man... so giddy but aft awhile it goes away...but the pain still stay... damn pain man till nw... i touch it hurts... hai... well dun tok abt the bad part... nw lets tok abt the gd part hehe went to meet CLJ today hehehe bought lunch for her hehe n we ate together at her house... actually wanted to teach her alil a/cs n do alil of my wrk...but guess both of us were tired..so we ended up slping... hehe but i was so happy cos i can hug her to slp!!! hehe its been awhile since i did dat... hehehe MUACKS hehe miss u so much!!!!
| The.Goodbye. 10/08/2003 03:21:00 AM |
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Sunday, October 05, 2003
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[MooD]==[kitnchill]==[beaming]
[time]==[1.28am]
[music]==[eminem]=[superman]
---well went out wif DEAR DEAR!!!! hehehe so happy ya noe...waiting for sooo long le... hehehe well went to simei to study n all supose to teach her a/cs but i was kinda rusty in my a/cs n she kinda sianz dun feel like studying so we decided to walk ard instead.. hehe miss her so much nw... hehehe well.. hmm...continue... went to tm aft dat ... i was a lil tired... n super sianz of tm.. duno why.. maybe bcos i wrk dere... n m finally sick of it haha oh well... but den we end up slacking at some seats n i m smoking as usual n we are juz enjoying each other company... well i noe i did... even tho' i'm kind quiet....hehe miss ya lotz dear... !!
[ahZhong]==[well danks for all the care n concern i appreciate it alot... ya alrite..aye if ya get wat i mean... (ya gooD!!) hehe well i tink i be alrite aye... still go some stuff on my mind...n u dun be too stress up aye... sometimes ya gotta take a break n relaz n enjoy!!! take care! cya ard!
[clj..dear]==[hmm enjoy today wif ya alot...was so happy to see u... MUACKS... hehe well sorrie dat during the time at tam i seem so sad n all n sianz... hai was alil tired n kinda sad dat ya hafta go hm soon le...hehe well n i was kinda sick of tam too lar... hehe but well i still ENJOYED myself today k dear!!! hehe n sorrie when we were siting down.. i was kinda quiet... i juz suddenly tink abt my sch stuff n all... kinda upset abt those stuff...sorrie its not abt u... k i love u dear...miss you!
| The.Goodbye. 10/05/2003 01:38:00 AM |
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Friday, October 03, 2003
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[MooD]==[thinkingitru]==[bored]==[speechless==[tired]==[fullofhate]
[time]==[10.55am]
[music]==[none]
---rite nw in sch... keep thinking abt our relationship n its driving me crazy...i haf totally no mood to do my wrk all bcos of tis i didn't slp last nite was tinking about alot of stuff.... but actually i'm scared to slp... everynite without fail i will cry myself to slp... i can't help but keep thinking.... n i cannot control my feelings n its horrible.... i feel so squeeze out.... n i haf to bite on something so i will not bite my own tongue... n i wll tend to grab real hard on something or clench my fist till my nails mark can be seen on my palm... its really terrible.... its been like dat since young but it hasn't happen for a long time.... i really hate dat feeling rite now...its gettng worse...i cannot control my feelings well... i guess i'm not those serious type... but i'm scared if tis goes on... i will reach dat point.... even till nw i still feel very tensed up n once in a while i will grit my teeth n clench m fist damn hard.... tis feeling is really killing everytime tis happen i really wish to die.... its very horrible... its even worse when evey morn when i wake up my pillow is wet... i even cry in my dreams.... dats why i dread to slp.... my eyes will become so sore n red every morning.... i rather stay awake..if i haf to... maybe i might die of tiredness.... dats better... cos all this is torturing me... i really can't take it anymore.... if the promise is break again i really dunno wat i will do... everynite i tink of killing myself n yesterday i'm already at the point of walking to my door n opening it n walking out for distant but i turn back eventually i dunno the next time i do walk out i will turn back or nt... hai why can't i control my feelings why m i like dat... n she doesn't care... but well i noe her mum is more important... hai i go nothing to say... cos its a gd thing... i'm trying to tell myself dat.. but its nt easy... its really not....to be ignored n be blamed at when i try to voice it out.
| The.Goodbye. 10/03/2003 10:54:00 AM |
__________
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IF I HAF A WALL TO BANG INTO NW I WOULD!RATHER DEN HITING IT WIF MY HANDS THE PAIN DOESN'T STAY N I SEE NO BLOOD!!! U MAKE ME WANNA KILL MYSELF...DO U NOE... I JUZ KEEP FIDGITING N I CAN'T CALM DOWN NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO...DO U NOE HOW TORTURING IT IS......DO U!!!!!! FUCK I HATE MYSELF WHY M I LIKE DAT MY MUM WARNED ME ABT MY TIS PROB... I ALWAYS IGNORED IT NW I CAN'T CONTROL IT N I'M FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA DIE SOON.... I HATE TIS FUCKING FEELING.... DATS WHY I ALWAYS TORTURE MYSELF TO MAKE IT STOP.... EVEN NW... I BREATHING SO FUCKING HARD N I FEEL VERY HORRIBLE.... I REALLY REALLY JUZ FEEL LIKE STABING MYSELF EVERYTIME TIS FEELING COMES TO ME... I HATE IT!!!!!
| The.Goodbye. 10/03/2003 01:33:00 AM |
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--
[MooD]==[bad]=[fuckedup]
[time]==[12.09am]
[music]==[none]
---as usual... dun feel gd...i dun tink i will haf the feeling of gd.... dat soon... all bcos... dat... i tink dat has ruin my life.... danks a million to dat... hai... i'll try to keep my cool... I M REALLY NOT FEELING HAPPY NW!!!!! I M ALONE SO BLOODY ALONE!!!!! FUCK LIFE.....REALLY FEEL LIKE SHOUTING VENTING MY BLOODY ANGER BUT I CAN'T WHERE CAN I GO NW...ALL ALONE.... FUCK IT
| The.Goodbye. 10/03/2003 12:15:00 AM |
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Thursday, October 02, 2003
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juz tried punching my own hand... so cool... mt left hand is totally numb nw... dats great maybe if i continue to hit left hand it might juz lose its usage.... isn't it cool typing wif one hand now...damn slow...hhaha i shall continue to do it n let see how... so tired of cutting wif my penknife gona run out of blade soon when i stock up on my blades maybe den i might start cutting again... hehe i tink burning kinda lame rite nw i tink hitting myself is better.... effect is great... if anyone ever read my blog care to share some ways of hurting urself...or hurting people...pls share!!!
| The.Goodbye. 10/02/2003 12:29:00 AM |
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Wednesday, October 01, 2003
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[MooD]==[FUCKING PISS]
[time]==[11.33pm]
[music]==[4.pm]=[sukiyaki]
---went hm aft sch today...u dunno how much i hate it... i really hate it... no life... might as well juz die isn't it... dats the best choice for me nw... going hm straight aft the Fucking sch is a fucking torture... fucking no life ... fucking hate my home....fucking hate everything ....fucking everything sucks.... FUCK! FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE FUCK THE FUCKING PEOPLE AROUND ME FUCK THE FUCKING SCH FUCK MY FUCKING HOUSE FUCK THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!! I DUN NEED ANYMORE SHIT I'M ALONE ANYWAY LIKE WAT I CRAVE ON MY ME I M ALONE
| The.Goodbye. 10/01/2003 11:36:00 PM |
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