Sunday, November 30, 2003
--
juz got hm i really had no mood to go out.. trying very hard to put up an act infront of val n syl... in front of everyone... its hard i dun wana disappoint dem... i noe they were there for me.. but i m sorrie its juz not enough... nothing can make me happy again... no one can save me tis time... save me fr the hurt n saddness i had... look i m not trying to get attention... u said those stuff.. to me dat time i was hurt when i tink bac now i really felt hurt... tis is like the onli place left for me to say my heart out... no where else... i noe my blogs are sad... cos dats how i m... when i m not wif u... n i appear ok n totally fine infront of my frens.. i dun wan anyone to worry abt me... dats why... i onli can spill my heart out on a computer... i find myself pathetic really seriously i look down n hate myself so much.... n noe i learn dat i m not a sadist.. i m a masochist... well i really hate it when i noe dat u are enjoying wif her n having fun but i m suffering here n hafing pains... i noe i told u to enjoy urself... i really want to.. but sometimes i juz can't take stop but tinking how fast u can forget abt me... but still i wish u all the best fr my heart... watever i said is true i dun need to lie now.. there is no point lieing.. i m not god n i will try not to be one... i m sad n hurt tis i will not hide... now its time to make myself feel better... not anyone else.. i m telling u i m ok cos i wan u to feel better... but den i duno if u feel bad at all... when yesterday i confronted u... i felt like shit... u dun even wana give me an explanation.. i felt like a fool can't stop wondering wif wat u msg me are fr ur heart or juz plain consoleing... rite now i juz wan u to noe lieing is not nesscaery anymore... i m not gona pretend dat everything is alrite to make u feel better.. i felt like a fool nw.. but no matter wat.. i dun blame u... i still love u... since the first day i met u.. i will not forget...
| The.Goodbye. 11/30/2003 12:16:00 AM |
__________
Saturday, November 29, 2003
--
[MooD]==[depressed]...[lost]...[devasted]
[time]==[6.40pm]
[music]==[jaychou]=[val's cd]
--- u duno where to stay my heart is at a lost first time i felt like dat... i nvr tot i will be treated like dat... not fr u esp... not u... anyone else can do anything to hurt me but not u... not u... i tot we were forever ... u said forever i said forever too.. guess i m the naive one... guess everything we had was lies... n i m the one who remained the same... there is nothing u can say to make me feel better... if i tell u dat i m ok... i m lying... i m lying to everyone... dat i m ok... i m not feelingless... i juz dun wan anyone to worry abt me... cos i dun need it... i dun wana entertain anyone... i can't even convince myself dat i m happy i can't i find it hard to stay at hm cos it held many memories of me n u... i rememeber the first time u came over my house... the first time i hug u n watch vcds together... the first kiss we had.. the first time i held ur hands... all tis will stay in my head forever..... i noe dat ur feelings for me will fade... or maybe it has already faded away... u got someone else in ur life... i was angry... i m very angry at myself.. dat i can't even make u stay... dat i dun haf the ablilitly to make u stay wif me.... n for u to find someone dat fast... its really fast.. i had nvr imagined it... i wonder when did it happen... its someting dat i wanna noe so much... wanted to noe how long haf i been fooled... maybe making the trip to malaysia was a wrong one... i lost my grandfather... n i lost u... the one thing dat i nvr wanna lose is u... i can lose anything else but u... but i guess watever i say is not gona change anything... i guess i juz haf to learn to live without u ... its hard... i noe its gona be hard i m so used to you.. everywhere i go there are memories of u lingering behind my head... i wanted so much to be happy but i can't seem too... i really can't... i can't even stay at my room... remember all those times we had.. my digi cam still haf the last video u took at ur house... whenever i tink of u i look at dat video... n i smiled n cry... u ask me if i was disappointed... i was ... i really was i nvr expect it to come fr u... not u.... really not u... when u told me u hated being 2-timed... but u did it to me... guess u hated me too... i noe something is wrong... i tried to tell myself dat its gona be alrite fooling myself all the while saying u will come bac to me.. i guess i was wrong.... all tis while i haf been lying to u dat i dun trust u... its not.. i m too egoist to say dat its myself dat i haf not confidence of... i wanna make myself better by saying dat i can't trust u aft wat happen... but i noe deep down i trusted u wif all my heart... i gave u the key to my heart... n i lock it up n gave u the key... but u juz threw the key away.. n my heart nw is left locked... wif u inside... all the memories...everything of u i remember... everything u said i will remember... how much i wanna find the key bac... but i m too hurt n beat to find it bac... i noe my heart wun open for a long long time... even tho' i told val we shld go cheong n know some gals... to convince dem dat i m ok... but no... it wun happen i will juz go dere n drink... n forget abt everything... aft everything do u tink i will still haf the mood to noe someone new... when my heart is lock.. n the key is lost... n i m not going to find it.. how much i wanted u to stay i noe its not possible... i noe... i guess i've been the fool for far too long... its time for me to wake up.. n face reality... i duno how m i gona face it... how m i gona live without u... but i m gona try... all the while i m typing tis my head is juz filled wif u... wanted so much to give u a msg n ask u where are u now... wat u doing n have u eaten... but its impossible now.. ur someone else... not mine anymore... i hope wat u told me in the msges were true dat the memories of u n me are still in ur heart... i hope u didn't say it to make me feel better... but i noe these memories wun stay for long cos u are enjoying urself wif her... i see da look on ur face yesterday... i n noe u are happy... if u be happiest wif her.. i will let u go... wif a smile... but a crack in my heart... i hope u will be happy wif her... happier when u were wif me... n i hope she treat u better den i do... if i say i dun love u anymore.. its a lie... cos i loved u will all my heart n soul.... n i will do anything for u to be happy... even if it will take away my everything... i will... i m glad dat we are still frens i wan u to be ard... cos my heart still linger for u... i haf not let go totally yet.. but my heart is dead... u killed it...totally... the pain in my heart will stay forever.. cos i noe i will nvr forget the times we had ... n the thing we put at tam seat... u were saying we shld go bac n check if its still dere anymore... i guess its gona be checked... but by me onli... i hope its still dere... at least i haf something to fall bac on... aft all said n done aft all the tears i haf cried... infront of my bruther i tink its time to stop... i dun wana move forward cos i dun wana haf a past.... cos tis past is in my head forever n i will not forget it nvr ... no matter how many times i say i m ok... i noe i'm not... i had enough of lying to myself.... i did wat u told me to... write happy blogs n dun broad abt the same stuff n stop hurting myself... i stop everything i swear... i didn't hurt myself anymore... those were mosquito bites... i swear... but i guess watever i did was not enough to get u bac... maybe i shld learn to face the truth... i m trying hard to tell myself dat.. i hope one day i will realise dat its time to stop running away.... i will always be here for u... whenever u need me... tis i noe for sure even tho' i say i m over u... but i m not who m i lying to... no point lying... i juz noe dat ur the best i ever had... i said it before n i mean it... i wanna thank u for making the colourful pages in my life... i love you...
| The.Goodbye. 11/29/2003 07:15:00 PM |
__________
--
Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll gurantee
That I'll never let you go
Chorus:
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee
So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee
Baby, I'm sorry
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done
Please come back home girl
I know you put all your trust in me
I'm sorry I let you down
Please forgive me
Gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love
It can heal all things
We won't hurt anymore
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee
Wanna build a new life
Just you and me
Gonna make you my wife
Raise a family
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee(repeats to fade)
| The.Goodbye. 11/29/2003 01:14:00 PM |
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Friday, November 28, 2003
--
well tis entry is for yesterday... went out wif dear ah zhong n wei .... went to watch matrix hmm the show was alrite.. but i was shaking in the cinema...cos its damn cold... hmm well aft dat went to slack at coffeclub express at paragon.. n left ard 11+pm well had a great time yesterday... as long as its wif dear i m happy... cos rite now... going out wif her doesn't come by dat easy anymore... well we share cab bac n sent dear hm first den ah zhong n wei... well got hm went online awhile wanted to tok to dear.. she said ok.. den she ask me to n bathe first.. ask her why... she nvr reply.. tot she fell aslp so i called her hp but den i tink i m used to pressing her house phone so i called wrongly.. n she sound kinda pissed... she told me she is bathing tho' n she said she call me bac later... well later it is she called my hp so i called her bac on the house phone... we tok awhile n she finally open up wat i made for her ... den when she tok to me.. its like back to last time.. when we used to tok to each other in the kinda of cute manner... i really missed those days...i was so happy... i really was... den when i started asking her who called her today cos its like so many calls... so many times... n tok for so long.. but she juz would'nt say...hai den she told me she tired she wana slp... tink dats the first time she told me dat... hai so i say sorrie for disturbing her n all n wish her gdnite n put down the phone... nvr forget to say i miss her n lover her everyday day... cos i really do... now even we are out together i miss her too.. i miss the her bfore i went to malaysia n came bac... i miss the her when we still sms each other very often telling each other wat we are doing n wat happy or unhappy things happen... n i miss the her when she will care n ask me if i haf eaten or nt... i really miss those badly... it seems like everything has changed when i was in malaysia.. maybe cos i m too annoying dere... n made her get sick of me n stuff... hai n yesterday aft i put down the phone i smoke twice n i look at my hps... the old one n the new no. i couldn't bear to delete any msg fr the old one.. cos its was when we were not together yet.. n afew is when we juz got together... the msgs bring bac swt memory n made me cry... n when i was browsing tru my new hp the msgs box is nearly full... so i went to delete some msg... but i didn't delete much of it... cos i read all the msgs... those wif the word 'dear' 'hugs' 'missyou' 'loveyou' all i can't bear to delete.. cos she dun msg me those anymore... even the word dear seems very dearly to me... i weep like a child last nite... i feel like a cry baby... out of the sudden i cry very easily... even now i m crying very hard... i duno why i haf become so weak... hai i wanna change bac to who i was but its really hard... really hard... i m sorrie dear.. i miss u so much.. n i love u i really do... hope u love me too... --- well there are someting dat i noe.. n damn sure dat i m rite... abt it... n when i ask u dat day u lie n say another thing.. hai i duno why... i dun blame u... i really dun... i juz duno why.. u haf to lie to me when i say i m ok wif it already... hai if u still tink dat i dun trust u... den let me tell u the truth nw... all the while i trusted u... i didn't wanna say cos i m too egoist to admit dat its myself dat i dun haf confidence of.. tho' i admit dat time i was unsure... but still i love u too much to let u go ... to not trust u... how much i wanted to trust u i do i really do n i m trusting u... all i want is u to be honest wif me...each lie makes me less confident of myself... not less trust in u... i will do anything to make u happy even if it means i haf to die to make u happy i would even it means i haf to be blind to make u happy i would anything in the world i will give for u to juz be happy... tis is how much u mean to me... if i can i wuld give the whole world to u... but i can't i m not dat gd yet.. but i m trying now...i really m... pls dun treat me like tis.. cos its killing me... i really love u...
| The.Goodbye. 11/28/2003 03:00:00 PM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[unsure]...[worried]
[time]==[1.24pm]
[music]==[none]..."(
---tis entry is for the 'happenings' at the chalet... well went to the chalet ard 2+3+pm there were onli me francis n leiling so we were slacking n slacking n slacking den we went to buy some chips n drinks n went out to the breakwaters to sit for awhile... well during den had a hard time climbing up those rocks tho' ahaha its kinda steep hahaha well but i manage to climb up easily but for leiling n francis... erm ... yeah... u noe wat i'm gona say huh... well aftdat we wanted to play pool but ... there is some small kids on the pool table playing for so fucking long bui tahan wanted to go ask dem to scram...den we wanted to go to the bar n play but... its onli for customers.. ya so well... had no choice so we went bac to the lobby n saw tis touch screen machine n we started playing the photo spot the differences game n dat machine sure makes lots of weird sounds n make us kinda paisey... hehehe in the end we still went bac to the chalet without playing POOL!!! hmm well went bac to the chalet to watch news... n holland v.... well brought down the mattresses fr the upper storey... n i made a fool of myself... well shall not say it cos i tink i really kinda dumb.... hmm well den we slack slack slack till 10+ n i was outside smoking like nobody business den toking to leiling abt life n family n francis join once in a while cos he is watching his charmed show... well ard 11pm my bud bud, bud sao, pal pal n vada... finally came.. n i was kinda fooled by them to go n lead dem in as they say they lost their way... den when i went dere i realised dat... they juz want me to help dem carry stuff.. n i ended up carry my bud sao' everything n she is walking wif both hands FREE!!!...... well wat to do she is my bud sao so i give face....hehe well den we went to rent a bbq pit at 11++ pm hehehe kinda dumb tho' but well... no choice we didn't discussed properly in the aftnn... hmm well nvm den when we got bac... my bud bud ask me to set the fire.. so i was like setting the fire alone until leiling came n help but den i didn't let her help tho' cos i dun wanna dirty her hands cos mine is already black! haha well aft ard 10-15mins the fire is ready den i went to wash my hands n stuff n went to eat the mee-goreng n curry chicken n roast duck dat francis ,bud sao n bud bud brought over.. den bud bud was bbq-ing n i sat near the bbq toking to her.. well its was 11.5+ den suddenly my pal pal came out wif a sara lee cake with 10 big candles[meaing100yearsold] on it.. i was so touched.. very touch n happy at dat moment.. it was 12am i made a wish [hope the wish can come true] n blow out the candles... well aft dat i tired cuting the cake... but we haf no knife... haha so i used a spoon to cut n boy does it sucks hahaha so in the end my pal pal cut for me...well but no one ate the cake dat day cos we were all full hahaha ate lots of duck curry n noodles plus hotdogs n crabsticks n the tawainese sauage... but i didn't eat any or those.. cos i already feel like puking... maybe cos i m used to not eating hehe n dats gd cos can go on diet! hahah well aft dat we were slacking ard n playing games n trying to finish up the food until i almost puke the food out... den the game stop...well den vada went to slp n bud sao went in so left me,francis,leiling,budbud n pal pal we were like saying gd its the 1M gathering again haha so we starting toking nonsense n stuff.. we tok for quite a bit den my deardear call me.. i was so happy... really happy.. dat she called n wish my happy b'day... tho' she wasn't the first.. but i was happy really happy.. but she seems kinda sianz when she tok to me... hai... well nvm aft dat i went out n started asking who wants to drink n started taking out the vodka n preparing cups i was ready to get real drunk... well turns out onli leiling n bud sao n me drinking so i pour kinda lil for dem n i pour erm...alot for myself.. haha n drank damn big gulps n soon aft dat i was drunk... haha well alot of silly things happen again... shall not make myself a fool cos i m already a big one... so yah dun even remember wat time i slept n all... haha but well i had a gd slp indeed... haha drunk deep slp... hahaha well n in the morning my pal pal told me she ask me if i want any breakfast n she said i said no... but guess wat... i dun even remember a single thing.....oh gawd m i such a pig... haha a dead one... haha n yeah leiling told me i box her in my slp n somemore its the chest area...oops sorrie man... n she say i even said sorrie... OMG i dun even remember all these... haha well... hmmm anyway guys i noe u are trying very hard to make me happy... danks alot.. i m happy... tho' i dun appear to be very happy...
| The.Goodbye. 11/28/2003 02:25:00 PM |
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Thursday, November 27, 2003
--
wanted to write abt the happy stuff... but when i got hm my mum started her scolding again... she even cursed me... cos i didn't tell her i was going out so she didn't prepare the noodles for me... she say she nvr take out the meat n stuff how to cook so i said nvm i eat the eggs or wat den she not happy n say dat every year got eat tis year didn't c wat will happen to u... den i ask her if she is cursing me guess wats her reply... :' wrong meh not right mah its true wat' u duno how hurt i feel on my b'day she nvr wished me happy b'day nvm... she even still haf to curse me... wat a day..
| The.Goodbye. 11/27/2003 03:06:00 PM |
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
--
juz cam bac fr a long long walk... well wanted to drink my last booze but well my dad came bac so i didn't drink until juz now forgot the time... i waited till he went to slp n i wanted to smoke n discovered dat i had onli 2 cig left so i decided to go down to the 7-11 n get some cigs. hmmm i actually wanted to walk to pasir ris park too... but well i was too lazy... haha so i went to walk ard my neighbourhood n sat down at the playground again... duno how long i took but i juz came bac... hmm well gona go drink the last bottle n see if i'll drop dead on the bed hahhaa
| The.Goodbye. 11/26/2003 02:40:00 AM |
__________
--
juz puked... twice... feel liks shit... man aft 2 bottles of non-stop drinking.. i hate dat hmm gotta learn to be able to withstand huge gulps of booze... now i m feeling so awake n shit i hate to puke aft drinking cos i'll be damn sober... i wanna be drunk but well i still have one more bottle n i m gona try to finish as fast as possible to get myself drunk again man... wish me luck alrite
| The.Goodbye. 11/26/2003 12:09:00 AM |
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
--
I wonder where you are
I wonder what you're thinking of tonight
I wonder
Maybe you're alone
Maybe you've been crying just like me
I wonder
I don't know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you, like no-one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
It's been a rainy afternoon
And now I'm staring at the moon, thinking
We got too serious too soon
I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you
Maybe you got scared
Maybe I had nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby, now my life's a mess
'Cause I couldn't love you any less
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you, like no-one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
It's been a rainy afternoon
And now I'm staring at the moon, thinking
We got too serious too soon
Too soon...
It's not right, it's not fair
Missing you, baby, cuts like a knife
What if you were the love of my life
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you, like no-one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
We got too serious too soon
Too serious too soon
I wanted to be there for you, like no-one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me
It's been a rainy afternoon
And now I'm staring at the moon, thinking
We got too serious too soon
| The.Goodbye. 11/25/2003 08:51:00 PM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[unexplainable]...[but defintely shitty]
[time]==[8.50pm]
[music]==[NONE]
--- juz got hm fr town went to had my hair cut for the first fucking time in a salon took a fucking long time to get it dyed n cut... which is 3hrs n 10mins... felt like dying all the while cos i hate waiting n doing nothing... but den the haircut was not bad n the colour was alrite too.. well... nvm i went out wif jess to cut my hair so she waited for me for 3hrs10mins too n btw she counted dat.. well tot we could finally spend some time together n stuff... but well in the end she told me she is meeting her fren so i was very piss abt it.. n asked her who the hell she is meeting but she wun tell me... well alrite since dats the case so be it den... wat can i say? or do? cos its not the same anymore... i guess...hmm well nvm i haf totally no mood to take the stupid mrt hm so i took a cab n so did jess n i sent her to meet her frien at tanglin mall n went hm... no went to 7-eleven bought 3 bottles of booze 2 wild turkey n 1 jack daniel... hoping to get drunk n den i won't tink so much... tink its better to mixed n drink cos i'll get drunk even faster... well i m gona go drink it already.. if i can still manage to type another blog i will
| The.Goodbye. 11/25/2003 08:51:00 PM |
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Sunday, November 23, 2003
--
[MooD]==[achesineheart]...[tired]...[itchy]...[peeling]
[time]==[10.22pm]
[music]==[NONE]
---bac fr malayisa tis entry is defintely gona be a long one... alot of things happen over dere n here i reckon... i feel so lonely over dere... my mum busy wif the funeral... my dad couldn't care less.... my bro slping all the time... the rest of my relatives?... i see den like once a year or even less... i really feel very lonely over dere... how much i wanna cry out i can't... how much i miss my grandfather... how much i wanna tell someone abt it... but no one was dere for me.... every nite i had to hide my tears i had to store all my feelings inside.. n now i m really torn apart... my heart is aching n i really feel i can't breathe anymore... maybe or by right i shld'nt feel so sad abt my grandfather's death... but can u imagine.. i went to visit him on mon... n came bac to SG den wed early aftnn... he passed away... hai... i duno i really duno today is the day we sent him to the cemetery n bury him... before they seal the coffin the called us to go take the last look of my grandfather... when i went over dere... my mum cried n my aunts n uncles cried too... i didn't i was trying not to cry.... den i stood dere look at my grandfather... n i went out standing outside facing his alter... den i noe i couldn't hold my tears longer... so i stood down dere very quietly n started looking upwards hoping dat my tears will not fall out... but in the end it fell out... rite nw my heart really aches... like hell i m serious... i haf to keep taking deep breathe n still it doesn't calm me down... i wan my heart to stop pumping cos the pain is really unbearable... i m really hurt throughout... every single part of my body... every part is already numb...but not the heart... why till now i m hitting my heart every now n den trying to numb it but it doesn't wrk... it seems to get worse n worse everytime... i tot i had someone to be dere to hear me out sometimes... maybe not always n maybe not hear all i got... but juz a lil... but no dere is none... u noe why i keep smsing u?... not bcos i dun trust u... its becos i m really feeling sad.. depressed n i haf no one to tok too... n i tot i had u to turn too... but i guess i was wrong... n let u tink dat i m annoying n not trusting u... do u noe dat nite when i was forced to slp ard 3am i was crying all the while when i m smsing u... non stop... until my eyes got tired n fell aslp... dat i didn't cry for my grandfather... its was for u... i noe u are enjoying i noe u wanted to haf tis fun for a long long time... but i didn't wanna tell u dat i m feeling very depressed very sad n very fan cos i dun wana spoil ur fun mood hai... but do u noe a msg fr u can cheer me up big time... i dun expect u to sms me all the time maybe like 1hr once? 1hr+ once? but no... u dun... u hardly sms me when u are wif ur friends... now i noe where i really stand... ask me if i m hurt... u bet i m... but well i noe dat i can't be the most important ting in ur life n i haf to live wif it... n yeah i will... sometimes i tink of i haf done for u... wonder if u still tinks dat its swt? still tinks dat it wonderful...hai... wonder if i m making a fool of myself.. always wanting to give u suprize n all guess i m trying too hard rite now i m really gona take tings easy n let u do watever u wan if dats wat u wan den ok i let u do watever u wan... i will always let u haf ur way.. no matter how many times we quarrel how sacastic i m... i always let u haf ur way... guess its my fault too... for treating u tis way... feeling so hungry but i ain't eating... i still love to torture myself i enjoy it man hahaha feeling kinda weak tho' didn't eat the whole day.. haha can't wait for my father to slp so i can smoke till i die!!!! hahaha oh well i haf to convinced myself dat i m happy! n dat my heart dun hurt even tho' it hurts like hell rite? gotta stay happy n all as i promised i will do! so yeah be happy humans! peace!
| The.Goodbye. 11/23/2003 11:12:00 PM |
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Thursday, November 20, 2003
--
hmmm i m feeling so damn tired.. nw kinda juz finish my wrk... recall... today went to meet bud bud... aft dat meet dear supposed to go n book the chalet den go my house study but it was raining cats n dogs do we decided to go over my house first... aft dat we ate lunch den we watch a vcd 'save the last dance' hehe den we went to book the chalet! haha it was so fast man tot it would take some time to settle the booking hmm well aft dat went bac to my house n supposed to start studying but dear keep eating? slacking... so i said ard holland V den study hehehe n yah she did study awhile but den... she say she got no mood to study so she stopped n we continue eating n enjoying! hehehe had such a great time today i duno wat will happen if i didn't spend today wif you... aft i got the news fr my dad abt my grandfather... i love u dear... i really enjoyed today... juz dat sound of the sms really really bug me huh n yeah i muz admit i m kinda unhappy abt it... but well i can't do anything too... i know so i juz gotta be cool abt it.. i guess huh... alrite signing off to call dear nw!!! ehehe so tired man
| The.Goodbye. 11/20/2003 02:33:00 AM |
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Monday, November 17, 2003
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[MooD]==[paranoid]...[piss]
[time]==[12.41am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
--- juz got hm fr wrk had a fucking bad day at wrk i was fuckingly piss at wrk some fucking ppl juz duno how to help out when we are doing the fucking wrk.. muthafuckers stand infront of the fucking store tink u fucking invisible izit everyone putting up all the cards n holders u down dere muthafucking stand n do nothing u tink u wat manger izit even the manager help wat the fuck u tink u are.. i m so fucking pissed... n somemore a fucking msg come say not going sentosa bcos tis fucking guy fren of mine say he dun wan to go bcos its far den nvm still got the fucking cheek to ask me to decide u fucking piece of shit u dun wana go u urself fuckingly go n find a fucking place to go dun push all the fucking shit to me i m not ur fucking nanny or wat i m already fucking piss already i m not here to fuckingly entertain u tis piece of fucking shit .-----
--- k enough of the fucking piece--- tml or shall i say later going bac to malacca to see my grandfather... who is down wif cancer felt really bad as i m the onli one in the family who has not been to see him.. hai but i feel alil unsafe abt tis trip tho' i duno... why but maybe i m juz paranoid or damn fucker ass... sadist... duno why but i hope it wun hapen too tho' cos my dad's driving the car down ... i hope dat nothing will happen tho' even tho' i kept saying i wanna die... but not wif my parents aye... juz me ... (*touch wood* as in saing my parents die) (*TOUCH WOOD*) i wun happen i hope it wun haha duno why m i feeling so fucking paranoid!....hahah oh well nvm
--- to all my frens-- i love u guys!! will miss u! take care of urself! (in case)
--- to ah zhong n ah wei-- help me take care of jess (in case too lar)
--- lastly to my dear... i will miss u... i love u forever... take gd care of urself... i will always miss u... ur really the best i ever had... I LOVE YOU..... pls noe dat u are not lonely i will always be wif u... n dat u are not useless u can be wat u want to be u are defintely capable of it... dun give up... n i hope everything will go well in ur future... last n not least..i love u (tho' i said many times... cos i really do love u...)
--- maybe u tink i m crazy... but den again.. anything can happen... n as a fucking sadist( i admit dat i m one... sometimes i dun understand myself too)... i always tink of the bad side... but of cos i hope none of these will happen (touch wood) cos i dun wan my parents to die... no matter how much i say i hate dem... n i haven do my bungee jump yet.. (wish is to die well doing bungee jumping *how to? loosen the string tied to my leg myself* fall to my death... will be the best) ... enough said... really hope it wun happen... *prays to god* ... cos i can't bear to leave u...[75] hai... sorrie for everything... i love u no matter wat.. happen.. i swear... take care...
| The.Goodbye. 11/17/2003 01:08:00 AM |
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Sunday, November 16, 2003
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[MooD]==[sick]
[time]==[3.22am]
[music]==[suede]=[by the sea]
hmm went down to take a stroll... n ended up walking the whole area of my blk.. den i sat at the playground hm feel alot better.... hmm hai but i tink i smoke too much.. rite now i feel like puking n headaches... hai
| The.Goodbye. 11/16/2003 03:28:00 AM |
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Saturday, November 15, 2003
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[MooD]==[like shit]
[time]==[6.27pm]
[music]==[none]
--- been in my rm the whole day... nvr eat lunch nvr step out of my room... trying to drown myself in loneiness again... maybe i shld haf died yesterday i m so usless huh... hmm nvm... even if everyone ignored me i still noe dat i still got my cutter n rooftop for me... gawd i m bac to my sadistic self again... hai i m so shameful of wat happen yesterday... on the phone wif jessie my dat feeling triggers... n it happen n i was breathing so hard... gasping for breath... clutching my fingers n squeezing myself very tightly... i really felt like dying... it is very torturing even tho' jessie try to calm me down... i m sorrie... nothing gets into my head... i noe u are very pissed wif me... i dun wan u to feel dat wat i m doing is to threaten u... i m not.. like i always said watever happen to me is my own responsibility its my life...u dun haf to be responsible for wat i done to myself.. hai... i m juz a over sensitive paranoid asshole jackass person... who shld n deserve to die... but give me some time bfore i do dat... i really hope dat i can get all these out of my head.. but i can't i m even planning on how n wat i shld do... the plan: the 12floor--equipment: chair think dats all... wondering if i shall wear nicely...n gel my hair? the time is defintely late at night... cos i dun wan no one to save me... hai sometimes i scared myself dat i can even tink of such stuff... i dun wan to but it juz goes on in my head.. i m really trying to be ok wif everything i m trying but dun push me too hard or i'll fall....
--- today -going to bathe nw finally gona step out of my room... my mum told me cooking spag... dat was wat i wanted n hoping to eat since last week wif my dear... but rite now i doubt dat i'll even haf the mood to eat... i still can't stop crying still i m so weak... its easier said den done.... its hard to be strong aft how much hurt i've got... i will try... i have nvr seen myself so weak bfore... i m so disappointed in myself... dats why i can't seem to face myself... n i always turn to violent options... no matter wat happen pls note dat... i love u wif all my heart tho' many things happen i haf nvr regret... i duno if u did.. i hope not too.. i'm sorrie for everything
| The.Goodbye. 11/15/2003 06:47:00 PM |
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Friday, November 14, 2003
--
maybe its time for me to do some self- condemming... looking at wat happen.... she is not interested to go out wif me but she is willing to meet a proclaim pl but b lookalike or maybe she is considering to whether to go out wif to catch a movie... u duno how many pieces my heart break into... i really hate it... n i m crying over it.... i already could'nt stop crying for the whole day... nw there is more for me to handle... hai but still i dun really blame her... there muz be reason why she dun wana go out wif me .... its my fault... its time to look into the mirror again n point out my own mistakes... i m too possesive... maybe... but i m left wif no choice aft wat happened... maybe i cared too much.... maybe i m too interested in knowing her frens... maybe i m too annoying... maybe i m very harsh ... maybe i treat her cold sometimes... maybe i was oversenstive.... maybe i think too much... maybe i was a asshole.. maybe i m a jackass... maybe i loved her too much... finally i admit to dat... dats why somethings u do u tink its ok nvm... hai but to me.. its not.. cos i love u too much to be ok wif lil things... hai its my fault... i m sorrie... hai at least the pieces are mending bac slowly cos u didn't go out wif her... as u are lazy....
| The.Goodbye. 11/14/2003 09:59:00 PM |
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--
I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
It's the last thing that I wanna hear
Chorus:
But if your heart's not in it, for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world, for you
Anything you ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it
You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got something to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Girl I'll make it easy for you
Chorus:
If your hearts not in it, for real
Please dont try to fake what you don't feel
If the loves already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world, for you
Anything you ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your hearts not in it
How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind
There's nothing I can do
To stop from losing you
I can't make you change your mind
If your heart's not in it
Chorus:
If your hearts not in it, for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If the loves already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the world, for you
Anything you ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your hearts not in it
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If the loves already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the world, for you
Anything you ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your hearts not in it
-- whenever tis song is played its the time i cry the hardest... duno why i can't stop crying... i really can't feel so terrible sad... maybe i m still brooding over not able to enjoy the fantasy dat i hope for since yesterday... i wished dat i can feel nothing abt it... but i tink i can't i m not angry... but i m very sad... juz very sad...
| The.Goodbye. 11/14/2003 06:05:00 PM |
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--
i tot i could stop crying but i can't... i can't no matter wat i do... listening to music... singing along... i juz start crying... i feel so tired... feel so sad... very sad... i can imagine how it feels like walking down hand hand wif u wif the 'snow' but i guess imagine is all i can do... why izit dat i m always only the one dat miss being wif you.. i tot i could see u one last time before we start the cool off part..
| The.Goodbye. 11/14/2003 05:14:00 PM |
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--
[MooD]==[unstable]
[time]==[2.55pm]
[music]==[suede]=[soyoung]
---wat is wrong wif me... i've been crying... since yesterday... tink i m still drowing myself in depression again... i really wished someone was here to save me fr me... but no.. everything is making things worse... everything... i feel shattered... i can't stop crying why m i so weak... even if i tink of the happy stuff i m crying too.. i really tried... i really did... its not easy wif no one ard to help... perharps.. being dere for me sometimes will help more.. rather den telling me wat to do... today i actually had a plan dat i tot is wonderful one... i tot of studying wif dear n den go down orchard to see the lighting on orchard n the snow falling down... i actually imagine us holding hands n walkin down the snow... i can't believe dat i m crying all the while... but i guess it won't happen at all... cos i noe u dun wana go out... maybe not wif me...
| The.Goodbye. 11/14/2003 03:10:00 PM |
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--
[MooD]==[calm]
[time]==[4.45am]
[music]==[suede]=[starcrazy]
---hmmm well from now on i m gona tell myself to not be a sadist anymore... at least i will try... tho' i'm not sure how confident i m or how determined i m... but i will try... i hav been a sadist since i was young i guess.... maybe ppl think i haf a gd childhood... maybe i did... but i look on the bad side more... when i was young... i admit my parents doted on me... but i haf an older brother... note he is a guy n i m a gal... ever since young n i mean very young i noe wat is ZHONG NAN QING NU... i was still young n i always wonder why every new things my bro gets it n i onli get to use wat he pass down... even simple stuff like sports shoe... sometimes clothes too.. n even the gd food... he gets to eat more den me.. sometimes i dun even get to eat at all... n even my friends ask me why my parents like dat... i was so ashamed... not angry... dat i was a gal... maybe for ppl who is the onli child or is the guy u wun feel dat.. u wun noe how hurt it felt.. i felt dat i was less important... everything new they bought... bicycles... computer... all for my bros... they had nvr bought me a new bicycles... maybe its expensive den... but know wat.. dey got my bro a brand new 200++ mountain bike... but i... use the old n dying bmx... nvm its ok i guess... i dun crave it dat much... but den... even sports shoes... dey nvr bought me one in my life... nvr... younger days i always haf to wear my bro's old sports shoe... whenever they buy him a new one the old one is pass down to me... n the shoe is really old like its already black to the point where u can't wash it off dat kind... n tho' my feet nvr fit the side always too big... i still haf to use it... everytime i will juz tink dat i m the rejected child... so i always drown myself in the unhappiness since den... keep tinking why do they cherish my bro more... ain't i their children too... maybe u shld say dat i shld be happy den i've got something to wear... yeah maybe i shld... but i dun... not at den... not when wat i noe n wat my frens told me is always on my mind... if u were in my shoes.. can u juz say its ok nvm... can u feel nothing at all... not even alil outcast... i admit my childhood is not dat bad... or shld i say its gd already... but the feeling inbetween the lines are the one dat hurt the most... ever since den whenever a sad thing happen i indulged myself at it... maybe dats why i dun open up easily... even my parents treat me different... how do u wan me to open up... its always easier said den done... hai... i dun n i can't blame anyone for wat i m now... its my character... its me who do the tinking n i noe rite nw its me who has to get it out... tis sadist feeling has been wif me for over 10years maybe... its not hard to juz get out of it.. but i will try... cos i dun wana lose u.. for it... i love u.... n P.S. i had a great time wif u today.. even i was slping most of the time.. having to hug u to slp... its one great feeling... i love u
| The.Goodbye. 11/14/2003 05:06:00 AM |
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Thursday, November 13, 2003
--
HMMMM!!!! DEAR DEAR JUZ MSG ME!!!! HEHEEHE SO HAPPY!!! SHE WOKE UP TO WISH ME GD LUCK!!! heheeh dear thank you so much!!! i love u!!! i m so energetic now!!! hahah tho' i juz yawn... shall go smoke nw heheehe hmm.. well dear fell bac to slp slowly aft i reply her the second time... hehehe oh well.. dats my dear DEAR!!! hehehe so happy!!hehehe
| The.Goodbye. 11/13/2003 04:02:00 AM |
__________
--
[MooD]==[tired]...[backache]
[time]==[3.27am]
[music]==[evanNjaron][distance]=[again?]
---yawnz... its 3.27... 2 hrs more to wat i expected myself to wake up.. so i shall not slp!... even i haf finish my wrk... i tink its better not to slp cos i might not be able to wake up.. n if i dun... i'm dead.... haha well i was alil sad n disappointed... i was hoping to hear some 'gd luck' or 'all the best' 'dun worry' fr my dear... but ... she fell aslp... :..(
hehe but well i dun blame her lar.. cos she is tired... haha but hmm let me tink she slp earlier den me wake up much later den me... but she always fall aslp first.... weird huh... or can i say concluded... she is a PIGlet!!!! hahaaha n of cos its MY PIGLET! hhehe my CUTE LIL PIGLET!!! hehehe i love u!
| The.Goodbye. 11/13/2003 03:35:00 AM |
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Wednesday, November 12, 2003
--
[MooD]==[cramped up]
[time]==[4.15pm]
[music]==[evanNjaron]=[distance]
---juz got hm not long ago... feeling really cramped up... suddenly i can't stand the journey hm on the bus... i was shaking all the well... going bac to dat feeling... i juz feel like clenching my fist real tight... n pulling my leg muscles n holding on n let it shake... i hate dat feeling... gawd is dat an illness?... duno how come suddenly it juz trigger.. n rite now i m still feeling it the more i type abt it the more i feel it... its getting out of control.... i juz feel lik squeezing my whole body up...........feels like my blood is flowing at a fast speed wanting to get out of my veins n i m desperately trying to squeeze it bac.... everytime it happens i noe i haf to calm myself down... but i duno why i can't... duno wats wrong too? ARGH... i wanted so much to msg my dear to tell her...but den she is slping... hmm i dun wana bother her too... sometimes i tink dat i m abnormal... wondering if i need to see a shrink... maybe i need help in controlling dat feeling n how to get thru it... cos i m really feeling very painful...i will juz shake or clench my fingers... if i do it outside.. i'm sure u will tink dat i m mad... serious... i scare myself too when i realised i haf to do all these to make me feel better... GAWD! i m shaking.. well i m typing tis .... n i haf to do my wrk nw... damn i m so gonna die! hahaha well maybe i shld stay happy n optismistic abt it den i may be able to calm myself down aye?..... hmm anyway love u dear... u juz msg me u woke up... but i reply u but u din't reply me for 20mins? wonder if u fall bac to slp? hehe well i haf to admit ur my one n only piglet!
| The.Goodbye. 11/12/2003 04:26:00 PM |
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003
--
[MooD]==[.....]
[time]==[2.44am]
[music]==[simpleplan]=[perfect]
--- hmm today went to sch... early in the morn ard 8.50 wanted to print my armando mag... but instead wait till..10.30 or later den get to print... to many ppl.... damn? haha oh well adelene was dere too we were one of the earliest fr our class tho'... aft dat went hm n waited for dear to come... she said 11 or 12.. but well i woke her up at 11? n she told me she gona leave her house at 1.30... dun wat she doing also... cos she msg me ard 12.++ alil? hmmm... hai well she finally came over ard 2+ n we went to eat mac together den her online fren called her 'hong mah yi' [ a pl(lookalike B) who onli toks to P] hahaha yeah dats wat i tink hahaha... well aft dat went to my house n wanted to study but end up surfing the net cos i was trying to upload my photos online n yah we juz went online surfing n surfing n she downloaded some songs too.... well... n i fell aslp.... due to lost of slp yesterday... can't seem to fall aslp the whole time.... duno why... eat dinner together...my mum cooked... aft awhile ard 8pm.. she went bac... sent her to the bustop but half way her mum called n say she going out... ... i was like haiyah... if not she could haf stay awhile longer?... well nvm its fated huh... when we reach the bustop i was holding on to the ring i gave her.. hmm i keep moving my hand infront of her hoping she can see... but well she didn't until her bus came n i said.. u dun wan ur ring ar?... n i made her miss her bus... felt so bad... didn't expect dat to happen..."( hehe but i felt happy when i put it on for her... tho' aft dat got hm say ah zhong online hahaha fated second time dat when jess juz left she come online hahaha well.. den went online wait for dear to reach hm... n den we were chatting n we had a tok n dear.. i promise i will try to open up... i will try to look at the bright side of life.... ... hai but seriously... i dun see the bright side... but i will try.... ok dats all... no mood already....
| The.Goodbye. 11/11/2003 03:21:00 AM |
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Sunday, November 09, 2003
--
[MooD]==[shitty]
[time]==[9.10pm]
[music]==[evan&jaron]=[thedistance]
--- i m feeling so shitty now... been smoking alot today bought a hard pack in the aftnn rite now... i onli left wif 3 sticks... feel so stress up wif my wrk n everything else dat is going on... i m so paranoid i noe but i cannot stop myself being paranoid n sometimes i even tink i haf the right to being paranoid... i hate myself really i do... why m i so forgiving... can't stand myself... hai but still no matter how many times i said this i m still doing the same thing... maybe i m juz running away from the truth dat i loved her too much... i dun wan to be played like a fool... dats how i felt dat i was a love fool.... a seriously big one... n u noe wat... i wun go n spy n test u...cos i m scared of the result... i really m... i told u wat i really felt i dun like to hide... i really cannot trust u... its me my problem... cos i can't see the wats infront of me... i can't stop tinking wat had happen...maybe u can... but i can't... cos i was really hurt ... i haf nvr felt like dat before... hai nw smoking is the only thing i can turn to nw... wondering why not scaring myself.. cos i haf a fucking assestment presentation comming soon dun wanna make my marks lower cos i tink i might fail... maybe aft my assestments den i'll go bac to dat cos its easier i dun haf to wait till my parents are not ard den smoke i can juz scar whenever i wan... i dun care wat ppl tink of me... it doesn't matter... they are not the one going through wat i m so they can't judge me... i m rushing my magazine now... n i m typing tis article wif the tittle ' i cut myself to hide my pain' n the urge came bac... maybe its gd dat i picked tis kind of topic to do on... teenage problems... cos i can relate it to wat i m going through... i dun wan to play the fool..
| The.Goodbye. 11/09/2003 09:34:00 PM |
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Saturday, November 08, 2003
--
[MooD]==[mixed]...[disappointed utterly]
[time]==[10.54am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---i couldn't slp last nite... was tinking abt alot of stuff... tinking abt wat she had said n told me aft she choose me... but i didn't see any of those done... infact... she made me even hard to trust her again... dun blame me or wat.. its not my fault i haf every right to blame u n doubt u aft wat u did to me... tis time i m not gona say sorrie... honestly i tot i could trust u... but den when u start hiding again when dat person sms... i can't bring myself to trust you.. if u said there is really nothing going on den WHY ARE U STILL HIDING FR ME! n pls i dun peep at ur handphone i m very pissed wif dat accusation cos its ur own REACTION HIDING AWAY FR ME gave u away... since u wanna hide den i wanna tink dat there is defintely sometime going on between u n her... wat else do u wan me to tink ... dat u are trying to hide .... if there is nothing den why are u stilling HIDING...WHY... if there is nothing going on i dun understand why u still wana hide... i noe i tell u dat i can't stop the 2 of u keeping contact.. but do u noe how much i want to stop it... do u noe i really want to say tis rite nw its either me or her... if u still even keep in contact wif her den u better dun keep in contact wif me... tis is it i'm already tired of suspecting n doubting u always cos u didn't do anything to make me trust u... u ask urself... did you? i already tasted the taste of almost losing you... if u really love me den why m i still feeling dat.... taste comming near again... i m really speechless.. i haf nvr expect tis to happen to me ESP not fr you... since u say dat u hate dat feeling n is she who treated u tis way... den why are u doing it to me... i m utterly disappointed in u... i m... i m juz acting to be crapping wif u... i m so sick of all these.... pls show me how to trust u again.. cos i really want to... but i see no sign dat indicates a trust is needed... n oh btw thank you for hurting me so much to the both of you... u guys are GREAT!
| The.Goodbye. 11/08/2003 11:16:00 AM |
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Friday, November 07, 2003
--
[MooD]==[mixed]...[happy?]...[disappointed]...[tired]
[time]==[1..05am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
--- i duno... wat to say... i really dun ... feel dat something is really not rite... its not over yet... i wished was was stupid wished i was dumb... so i wun realised certain things n reaction dat has happen... hai.. i'm really sick of it... really wish i can be really NUMB to my own feelings... i really feel disappointment... really... nvr in my life i had such a strong feeling of disappointment... i still sense the 'hiding' feeling hai... i hope its not true... if not i m really speechless... hai i duno wat shld i feel... ignored.. or happy dat its a challenge... no... none i shld feel shitty... n i m really stupid... well i duno why i keep tinking n tinkin n tinking... but how much i wanna ask to satisfy my curosity... i wun... i dun wana make things worst... hai... its worst enough... but tis goes one in my head... i can nvr put my ***** in *** anymore... i really can't cos its really very important to me... i tired to put all my ***** before... n i was hurt thoroughly... i dun wan dat feeling again... cos its really painfully.... hai but still in my heart i hope dat wat i tink is wrong... i really do... hai... i'm trying to tell myself... i really m... i m so lost.... but still i know i haf nvr love anyone more den tis.... its my fault...i love her too much....
| The.Goodbye. 11/07/2003 01:15:00 AM |
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Saturday, November 01, 2003
--
[MooD]==[hmm..tired?]
[time]==[1.23am]
[music]==[98.7fm]
---hmm been afew days since i last update my blog..was kinda lazy n tired.. well looking bac at my previous entry... still feels was i went thru somehow.. but nw everything is settled.. i wish we could be bac to wat we used to be... i'm trying too.. ur not alone my dear.. i love u...
---hmm for the past 2 days i stayed bac in sch to do my photo printing n stuff.. so tiring stayed till 10+pm.. so tired... in the darkrm can't see had to stand for hrs!! n no lights onli red lights... hard to see n haf to do the printing in a small black cubicle n always so hard to find my stuff cos its all dark!! muz use the red light to see.. n its a very dim one.. always haf a hard time finding my prints... haha oh well... n yesterday i was like alone in the darkrm.. my classmates went to haf dinner n its kinda late.. maybe ar 7+? n its kinda scary hahaha but ok lar.. i went to the fifth floor to smoke wif my fren hahaha lucky nvr get caught haha if not sure die...tink expelled or wat.. haha but den i still feel alil creepy in the darkrm cos its really dark haha onli a few red lights.. hahaha but ok lar... i on my hp radio loudspeaker hehe so its alil better... hehe but i printed alot of stuff man hehe kinda done wif one of my elements projecT! hehe but today i stayed in sch wasn't doing my printing was crapping ard wif my budbud n bud sao hehe n pal pal hehehe i wanted to do my drawing but den end up craping wif my pal pal n bud sao hehe my bud was doing her wrk wif her classmates tho' hehe well was kinda fun today! hehehe crappin all the way!
---dear! me miss u SOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! dun give urself so much stress n pressure kies!! u do ur best! but dun force urself hor.. if not i piak piak pu gu worz! eheheh muacks love u dear!
| The.Goodbye. 11/01/2003 01:43:00 AM |
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