These are the words of the unsophisticated money machines

Friday, May 30, 2008

OMG its 3am +++

i have just finished uploading the pictures i've promise to blog by latest today

which is... last SAT.

it was meimei's b'day chalet.

so here it goes

i tink i look like shit. LOL

our transport for the day... can't imagine if we have walked.. over.

the brothers

i tink edna's face.. gamn geh yan

i tink our pose.. damn funny lar...

aft carl's JR we went to play GOLF.. lilli putt
BUT.... bfore that we saw a dead rabbit lying ard the carpark

HAHAHA

BTH this picure we were all inside the lift. tink syl wanted to take all end up taking mei nia..
CANNOT STAND.. she look so demure *PUKE*

the b'day ghost

me putting

Syl putting

Flo putting

haha mini fountain of wealth

mini chicken rice.. stalls

the sisters..

the bros

i tink they took more photos then putting the ball

meimei the croc kisser!...L.A.M.E.

the toliet. LOL me n Syl

the brothers! notice the word? handsome? LOL

saw this chocolate poodle on our way down. remind me of junior.. hai really miss that boy so much
but of cos junior look some much cute.!

collecting our bikes...

back in the chalet the first thing i did..
Syl say dead corpse ... thanks leh

last photo at chalet.. . .

aft that i left ard 9+ to go down town to meet
Val,Eunice and lynn

then we went opp queenstown ikea... for xin wang hk cafe

then we walked quite a distant down to my super old workplace

bukit merah. i tink.. near redhill.. near the henderson industrial park

the one with the stalker boss...

then we went mac slacked for awhile and finally head home..

i forgot what time i reach home.. but ard 3+ 4+ am

ok i am done!

can't wait for it to be confirmed!

OMG!! is it real?

ahahahaha ok.. back to my UGLY BETTY!

| The.Goodbye. 5/30/2008 03:15:00 AM |

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

No wonder its all still happening.

P.s. i love the bruise it has brought me.

| The.Goodbye. 5/29/2008 03:34:00 AM |

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

blogging time, i am fucking bored at work.. but yet i am damn excited.. yes...damn fucking excited... ok i know i say i want to blog abt sat once syl got the photos on her blog and yes she alrdy put it up and i alrdy have all the photos.. i am just tooo lazy but i promise you they will be up latest tmr ok! can't wait for tmr! i dun want to say anything yet cos i dun want to JINX IT! WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

CB... damn easily excited. BTH.. ok lar i really super bored at work.. there is work to do.. but i m finishing.. and i don't want to finish it becos i am worried tmr got nothing to do..( can't help it i am a fucking good and fast worker. ) i know BHB........

7.... its the day.. 7........ 7...... i am dragging it.. but since i have decided to go and try to make the best out of it i shld do that bah. I really hope it will turn out good.. if not i really duno how to take another blow.. again. too many things..happening now. i am not equipped to cope with this whole lot of shit. And now its not only about myself its my family too.. so whose fault is this? seriously what kind and where this fucking karma comes from? its not fair. i am alrdy going through so much pain and even up till now i and still holdig back so fucking much and keep the pain to myself.. and this is what i get? all this is what i have been waiting for? all these is what i am getting aft what i put myself through so as not to hurt u or anyone. Ig there is a GOD i must have been a fucker. a bloody FUCKER.. a fucker that really deserved to be put through hell over and over again.

ok thats abt. i am too bored at work. ooh anyway i ran on MONDAY and i feel so good abt it.. wanted to run yesterday but it was raining.. today... tml.... not free.. to run.. duno if fri free not... argh.. gym also canot thursday liao.. cos thursday is a BIG BIG BIG DAY! WOO HOOO~! nvm maybe GYM FRI..

ok lar.. hai this is not a hate post.. its just angry with myself and everything that is happening to me now.. so yah dun take it personally. ESP.. You i will nvr blame. cos i always believe one totally deserve what one is going through so i really believe i totally deserve what i am going through now. KARMA WILL DEFINITELY GET YOU.

PEACE OUT.
Love you and Jr bb

| The.Goodbye. 5/28/2008 02:57:00 PM |

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Sunday, May 25, 2008

today damn tired..

its like 3.40am..

just got home awhile.. ago

and bathed waiting for my hair to dry.

packed day today.

but it was fun for sure.

just want to say that i've

made up my mind..

i am going to the check up.

*one may ask

why the sudden change?

seriously for the past 2mths

ever since i found out abt the clot

i really don't know what i am doing.. or

what else to do.. i wasn't thinking right

i just really feel so lost.. just want to give up..

hai i really .. couldn't handle it alone.

now when i finally said it out.. and all

slowly going back to my sanity... i finally

learn to understand. what is really happening.

finally learning to accept it and trying to make the best out

of it... and some gd news is that today... no BLACKOUTS!

NO NOSEBLEED! ... but seriously i am very forgetful nowadays..

like really.. 1min i do this thing.. the next second i dun rem..

hai but still i am glad that no nosebleed and black out today!

cheers for me ok?

-------------------------------------------

i am waiting for syl to upload all the photos..

so i can steal again. lol

anyway i tink i mite have tore.. my right arm muscles..

becos ... it is hurting.. not aching.. like hell lar.. must be

do too much aft sooo long no do liao.... hai

and meimei also say maybe tear muscles liao....

i have my fair share of muscles aches and all

and usually i massage it will like heal alot by the

next day or the next 2 days... but nw its like almost 3 days

it just seems to hurt more.. and edna has been really super nice

always massage for me alot... but it just seems worse everyday

i cant't even keep my hands.. STRAIGHT.. its like bend if i just

leave it to rest. but it could be cos i build up too much all at once

and hurt so bad...but man i feel its more of a tear bah.. sian lor..

so suay if tear wun recover so soon like that how to do.. GYM?

but i will still go lar.. can do abit and run too!

oh eunice just copied this and ask me to see.. u guys shld go see lor

fuck its damn... OMG lor... dun worry syl its not some ghostly shit LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk2sPl_Z7ZU

| The.Goodbye. 5/25/2008 03:35:00 AM |

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Saturday, May 24, 2008

i can't even have a simple decent conversation with anyone in

my family.

And what is the cause of that?

that push and those words said.

and now the entire family is treating me like

a troublemaker. Thanks alot i needed that

esp at this point of time.

FUCK YOU BITCH. WHOEVER YOU ARE

DON'T FUCKING LET ME FIND OUT

WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE.

and sorry I** it may not be ur fault.

but i dun give a fuck all these started

partly cos of u. and now its not just me

its my family which i am slowly losing too

thanks for the drama. to the fucking both of

you I** and whatever the name is BITCH

i am still here to face it. and not block it out. i want to heal.

running away, being tired, being dead or simply giving up is nt the way.

i've try it didn't i.. i was tired.. i m dead which is why i wanted to kill myself

i was running away and i was just simply giving up. but aft all these.

i m still here.. always here .. even what happened *aboved mentioned*

hai i am still protecting you. but its ok. nothing matters now.

just me and my foolish ways.

but i love you still.

and bb jr.

| The.Goodbye. 5/24/2008 02:33:00 PM |

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Friday, May 23, 2008

i tell you...

MY WHOLE BODY ACHING LIKE

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.

haha but then.. ITS OK....

I LIKE IT.

yeah i am a sick bastard.

so are you. but ur million times worse off than me do you know who u are?

no not u.. and nope not u either..yes you.. you who are judging me when you

are not any better and when u dun even really know me and seriously you

are many times worse than me.

ok lar aching cos i went to run and gym with pei!

going to go at least once every week!

i can imagine myself not moving at work tml

and also whiny like hell when i am out at nite.

BUT HEY tmr is FRIDAY!

and i can knock off at 5pm!

but tml is print date.... so also if can knock off not

haha tml is the company's eat with family day.haha

so funny. Mnc jiu si you tis kind of funny stuffs..

but i WANT TO CUT HAIR TML!

i want to change HAIRSTYLE!

its just a ritual i have

today was quite happy! bcos i had company for lunch!

haha altho its becos of the 'loreal' that turns out to be

robinson sales thats why ... haha but sitll

saw this really cute dog i got takr pic but my

body is aching so bad to upload...

hai i really

MISS JUNIOR BB SO MUCH.. HAI..

ok lar i shall blog abt the past few days..

ok this is jane/meimei/soon to be pinata..LOL. this is at sakae where syl and edna bought her a mini b'day cake.. the cake is actually nice man.. from NYDC.

btw this is TULAN.../ DULAN... damn cute lar SHE

the old gang * from left
Syl*Marilyn*me*FLO

don't ask me why my mouth like that.

hmmm syl*Flo*Jane*me lor

BTH i tink i damn pose.. haha
-------------------------

ok this one is the eve of jane's b'day at HK cafe.
second time cut cake for her.. this time round the cake is i buy one
cos EVERYONE IS AT WORK!

this is the card edna made.. its really nice

and filled with really lame photos. LOL

this is the whole gang there on the eve of meimei b'day
*bottom left*
*Syl*edna*CK JANE*Jaime*Flo
*Top Left*
*Angel*ME LOR*Jyen*meilian ar..

i still want you back

aft all is said and done.

its not fair its nvr not

but my love for you had nvr once died

aft all we have been through.

and what happen bcos of u.

maybe it would have been better

if you have known. it would be

more fair to me. but yet i still protect you

from it. even till now. this every moment

i just want to make things right with you

| The.Goodbye. 5/23/2008 12:19:00 AM |

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

i just discovered how to play with font must go compose .. rather then edit html.

fucking dumb.

today is a fucking suay suay suay day.

i took cab back from work.

and the MOST SUAY THING IS

kena fucking accident. this bloody TRUCK

reverse suddenly and CRASH INTO THE CAB..

EXACTLY WHERE I AM SITTING AT.

knn lucky i saw and i bend down and move to the

other side lor CB. but my back is stil hurt lor

alot of cuts actually although i only told you guys is

bruised. the bloody window broke and got this piece stab

into my back lor. the cab driver had to pull it out for me?

ard 3-4cm deep can. i just gave the cab driver my name and

number if go court or police report cal me i can be witness.

i cannot be bothered liao lar.

this kind of thing also can happen?

HOW FUCKING SUAY?

then nvm.. i tot its over?

then that have to happen?

seriously WHOSE KARMA IS ALL THESE?

i don't treat it as a JOKE LOR and i seriously

THINK ITS NOT FUNNY

i am worried like fuck now

i need to know what the hell is really going on now.

becos its actually fucking SCARY.

i am like so fucking tired. i dun even know if i have

slpt more than 40 hours is the past 2 weeks.

its not i dun want to slp but i really can't seem to.

If all these just happen to me alone its ok.

now its so much bigger than this. and i am really

very worried about it. DO what you deem fit ok.

my life is worthless so its ok. but its not just abt me.

now there is so many more implicated.

i will blog abt jane's b'day soon. and the very

high 'maintenance' angel ( according to syl )

and the really nice card that edna made.

with my super ugly photo.

hai i dun want to tok much abt it nor think much

plus my nose is fucking bleeding.. been bleeding since

4 like that.. and its still DRIPPING..

i need to rest.. i really need a rest.

all these is really driving me insane.

i am worrying abt my own life alrdy

and its only killing me everyday more and

more i am alrdy off the damn edge. but now its

more.. than i can worry.. ita not only me ok.

but don't worry i told her anything come find me first

if what she say is true and all then she really fucking piss

i told her to kill me instead ok aft that dun fucking disturb alrdy.

i'm tired. really tired. and my back is still bleeding

AND I WANT A FUCKING PSP! PAY COME!

ok random!

haha ANNNNNDDDDDDDD TMR > my FRIEND IS COMMING DOWN TO EAT

WITH ME! SO HAPPY!

| The.Goodbye. 5/22/2008 03:52:00 AM |

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I AM SO FRICKING TIRED.

ok.. aft really alot of sms-es
i have decided to consider going back
to my check up... well still have ard 3weeks to go
see how things go?
maybe i dun even have 3 weeks

today i wrote on the magazine pagination..

1..... 21,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,36..

see whats wrong?

yeah then i wrote on the other magazine
1,3,4,5,......10,11,13,14,15,16.......21,23,24.....31,33,34...
notice whats wrong?

i duno why i keep missing up the no.2 when its at the 2nd space.
seriously unknowingly.
hai maybe it has taken effect slowly.
and its starting to get scary... and really
i'm already losing hope.

maybe i m just paranoid.. i hope so.
hai i will continue blog later when i am home bah

就算我们之间有什么问题

依然想念着你

虽然被放弃

虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题

黑夜我还想着你

心碎人孤寂

| The.Goodbye. 5/20/2008 11:12:00 PM |

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first thing first.

U GOT BEES AROUND MY HOUSE NOW...
later kena sting... also wun know lor.. tmd
. my dad called and say got bees ask me come
home becareful.. i was like.. eh becareful?
how sia.. if i slp .. they want to come out sthing i also
cannot do anything leh! LOL

then .. he also say front metal gate lock spoil..
so zhun...

then nvm... went sakae sushi with them at town..
sit down felt abit giddy.. then can scrap my ankle?
somemore got my tattoo there . then now got
3holes.. TMD

what a suay suay suay day........
tell u when u suay.. anything also will happen
tell me how? ren ming lor...
wait i dun have ming to ren to either.
hmmmmm

anyway..... i waiting for syl to blog so
i can reap the photos we took just now

and on a slighty brighter note..
I DIDN"T BLACK OUT TODAY!
but experience quite a few giddy-ness
and breathless... and suddenly lose
concentration moments.

and my nose bleed for close to 1hr!!!!
yesterday lor ard 4am - 5am like that
i was just joking must get measuring cylinder.. and
collect then drink back .. at the rate.. of my bleeding
later not enough blood sia! LOL

GOOD NEWS Is i am actually feeling slpy and tired.
lets hope ok.. that i will really SLP! UNTIL I NEED TO WAKE UP
and not keep waking up every 1/2hr or what.. fuck.
tmd duno if its the clot of my brain tink too much.
haha but my hair still wet... just reached home not long.
but fuck iw ant to slp liao lar.
GOOD NITE AND STAY TUNE FOR PHOTOS. HOPEFULLY

1.1.07 - you wrapped yourself and gave it to me.

| The.Goodbye. 5/20/2008 03:14:00 AM |

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Monday, May 19, 2008

i have made my decision

i went for check up this morning
its the same.
operation success rate 60%
failure means - i will either be an idiot. or an idiot or an idiot or better dead

SO I AM NOT GOING BACK FOR MY NEXT CHECK UP
so what for waste my money?
i am not going for operation
i can only hope it will go away slowly isn't it
going back only tells me whether it is or not
either way nothing can be done rite?

so yah.
ppl its my choice. no one made me to do that. ok
no one.

i am tired of all these dramas that i have created
i let down everyone i have known and i cannot redeem back
tired and dead is all that is left

i shall all chalk it up to fate on how i am going to be
from now on.
because i know its not in my hands anymore

for this whole of 2 mths i lost everything that i had
everything that i had fought for.
wat else does matters anymore?
even my life is not in my hands.
and there is pretty much nothing i can do abt it

sorry everyone for all the dramas and shits and watever fuck
i have cause. i dun deserve anything.

so let fate decide what my fate shld be

insulted is how i felt.
--------------------------------

Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I wanna fill this new frame
But it's Empty

Tried to write a letter
In ink
It's been getting better
I think
I've got a piece of paper
But it's Empty

It's Empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're Empty

And I even wonder
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But it's Empty

It's Empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're Empty

Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're Empty
(Maybe we're trying)
(Trying too hard)
(Maybe we're torn apart)
We're Empty
(Maybe the timing)
(Is beating our hearts)
We're Empty

| The.Goodbye. 5/19/2008 12:49:00 AM |

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Saturday, May 17, 2008

the secret is out

i kept it with me for so long..
thats the one that was killing me.
killing everything that i had.

i tot i lost it along the way
but i guess it caught up with me yet again
i was foolish to think that i had such a luck to
actually out race it. i should have know
i have done nothing much to deserve that luck.

i would say thats the one that drove me insane
that ignite my foolish dying actions. but at the
end of the day i was the one who caused it
i was the one who kept it inside of myself.. unwilling
to open up and share my woes or even ask for help

only a few of you know.. it took me alot of courage
to say that out.. hai how do you actually say this out?
how do you even tell someone this?

i really duno if i could live another day or i will remember
everything tml.. or will i even be functioning well the next
day? or a week after? or 1 mth aft?

i'm sorry i really dun have the courage to say it out
to the rest of you in the face so i am saying it out here..
because its easier.

i have a blood clot in my head abt 2 mths ago. the doc say
if it goes away everything is fine.. if not.. it will be like what i
mentioned..

i wasn't equipped to deal with this u know.. knowing that i m
a time bomb waiting to explode anytime. but i didn't know how
to tell anyone.. even you..
and that time we were quarreling all the time. i just felt that
all of the sudden everything that i had n was holding on.. mite just slipped
away because of a fucking stupid fall.. a FUCKING FALL.. hai like what i always
say if we are meant to die .. eating a fishball will kill you.
i guess for mine.. it could be a fall... a bad fall that made my head
meet the corner of the table..

i didn't go back to check up.. partly bcos i was scared to know the outcome
and i couldn't really be bothered. i was hoping that it will go away like what
the doc say as a possibility. when i found out i was so upset. and we were
always quarreling and u were frustrated with ur work i didn't want to add
more problem to you already hai i am not blaming you.. its me who didn't
bother to say anyhing yet expect something from you. hai

i know that saying this here is prolly the worse way i could break this kind
of news to anyone.. but really i really... duno how to say it out..hai i didn't even
tell my parents abt it.. and hai seriously i am not intending to.

i just hope you guys can forgive me from not saying all these kinds of stuff
and besides now its not... confirm that i will still have that clot.. hai i will
go see the doc and check up and x-ray aft i get my pay because now i am really broke.
hai. just the recent blackouts and and nose bleed is really scaring me..
i will be honest that i am really scared.. and terrified not knowing if i will wake up
the next day morning..

hai been living like this for 2 mths.. and eventually i vent all my fear and anger
into our relationship.. and ruin us. i dun expect you to forgive me or anyone to.
i just want you to understand that i really didn't know what i was doing..then..
and esp killing myself.. hai i wasn't that afraid that i will wake up and die.. i was more
afraid that i will wake up.. and lose my memory.. forget who i am .. or even be a vegetable.
hai which is why when the break up i took it so hard.. and i am sorry and i put it all on
you.. hai..

there is nothing much i can say or do not.. i only hope for the best.. for us.. you .. jr and myself
i hope you guys will understand.. why i was like this.. dun need to forgive .. just understand
i wasn't equipped to find out that i could die anytime. i don't think that anyone can handle...
sorry i made all these so bad and made everyone suffered...

Esp you.. sorry
you are the most precious person in my life
i would do anything for you.
i love you.

| The.Goodbye. 5/17/2008 07:27:00 PM |

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

i want to heal.

i will and i m trying

no matter what.
i nvr meant to hurt you this way

sorry and i love you is all that i can say

| The.Goodbye. 5/15/2008 11:35:00 AM |

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Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorry

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby, Yeah.
I'm sorry.

-------

i got nothing else left.
just hanging by a thread.
i tot i had you and junior
even that is far away

if i was strong enough
all these wouldn't have happen
if i don't need you
all these wouldn't have happen
if i don't cherish you the way that i do
all these wouldn't have happen
if i haven been selfish
all these wouldn't have happen
if i don't love you
all these wouldn't have happen
maybe if i was gone
everything will be better

everything i feel inside nver comes out right
i used the wrong way to express.
but its never too late to make it right.

don't let go.
is all i can say
i love you but you already know it
i would die for you and junior
but you already know it
i would do anything for you
but you already know it

i know i can nvr save myself
from this fall.

a body without a soul
is all thats left of me.

beautiful . i just want you to know . your my favourite girl .
Always . for as long as i live .

| The.Goodbye. 5/15/2008 03:16:00 AM |

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Never thought you knew me
never thought of you with me
always fighting in the dark
before

never got to tell you
I don't know what I mean to you
no need to explain
anymore

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

when I think about us
it's only me that comes between us
it's only me that
closes the door

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

and you know you held me up
held me to the sun
when I was yours
and I know I let you down
let you down
the day that I was gone

but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry
but I'd cry
I would die if I lost you
and I'd cry

-

this song is on repeat mode since last week.

without fail it bring tears to me

but does that even mean anything anymore?

unfortunately its not for me to say its for others to judge

thats the story of my miserable hopefully short life.

yeah we made it possible.

esp me!

i hope that you all know that relationship is really only abt 2 people
at least for the emotions part. i am glad that you were all here to listen
to me..when i needed that. but when you guys get judgemental abt it. i think
its really not up to you guys to judge or decide. hai becos its my relationship
its me and her and bb's relationship. Even sometimes us cannot define if its right
or wrong.. much less any of you. and don't come to conclusion so soon.. doesn't mean
1 party is hurt.. means you get to curse the other one.. or even hate the other one.
because its not for u to do it.. neither it is for me..cos both ways we did it for love..

i mean the things i do.. are wrong.. but its not wrong without a reason.
the reason was so strong that actually make me do the wrong things and think
that it is right and the best and easiest way out for everyone.

you can blame me for it.. becos i totally deserve it.. sometimes i dun even rem what i
really did.. but sometimes it seems so right and so relieved abt it.. and sometimes you wakeup asking yourself why are you still doing here and alive? ( P.S i am really not thinking about it now.. in fact i am alil hungry at this moment and thinking if i shld cook noodles LOL ) but believe me when i say this... being the one in this position is million times WORSE then being the one looking and standing and commenting ard abt this situation. AND no one will ever understand what i am going through same as i will nvr know what another person is going through if they were stuck at the same
situation.

so to all my friends/brothers/bystanders/family ( wait i dun have that hmmm...) /anyone lar i appreciate your listening ear i really do... and i am really grateful for all of these... i really do you may say that i am stupid.. and dumb and all... but it al boils down to what i really feel from the relationship and what it has given me... ( only me and her is in this relationship isn't it? ) so please respect that.. respect me and her and of cos junior.

i just want to say i wun affected by my friend's comment on what i should do becos i know i can think for myself esp in my own relationship where only
the 2 of us have been through. i maybe doing most of the wrong things but i still got
that respect for her left in me to know that what others say cannot affect nor influence me on how i think abt this relationship. BECAUSE ITS OUR RELATIONSHIP NOT ANYBODY ELSE.. i believe that i know how i feel inside and dun need anyone.. to tell me how i should feel in my own relationship

i am sorry i love her/you too much.. drove me to insanity.
doing the wrong things and not realising it.
now its not really the time to play the blame game
becos i know i am to blame.
so please forgive for loving you the way that i do

and P.S. i still LOVE YOU GUYS ALL THE SAME!
please don't get offended okies!

--------------- thaed is knocking on our doors

ignore the post below i am just an arsehole

DON'T LET ME AFFECT YOU ALL OK! seriously..don't

| The.Goodbye. 5/13/2008 01:51:00 AM |

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

eht tsal harruh etarbelec nehw i ma enog rebmemer i evol uoy lla
i evol uoy dna mih eht tsom. yrros rof gnieb a drawoc

esaelp rebmemer em ko i ma os yrros

| The.Goodbye. 5/10/2008 12:33:00 AM |

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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

had a meeting with the brotherhood after so long.

really happy and glad that we've met up finally

we were at xin wang whitesands.

they all say syl look like she got big boobs in this picture. ha

val and syl

me and syl

aft so long i am so glad that we met up once again.

thanks val,flo,syl,jamie,meilian and.. your friend.. forgot her name...

thanks so much.. really.. appreciate it alot..
we will always be brothers no matter what happen

-------------------------------------------------

i can promise you tomorrow
but i can't buy back yesterday.

the wrong doings can not be redeemed.
neither can my soul.

thank you for the chance again.
i don't mind being the fool if i have to
as long as you are here.
its enough.
i cannot ask for more..
i love you and bb

-----------------------------------------------
do i not deserve love from my family?
i know i am not the best daughter/ sister.
but i thought we were one family.
i just wanted you to be proud of me.
i guess i was nvr good enough.
in your eyes.. like you said.. i am just useless
and that me living on is just a waste of my time.

maybe you don't mean it. but you know it hurts.
i guess i just don't deserve your love ...

forgive me i am just venting..

| The.Goodbye. 5/07/2008 01:53:00 AM |

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Thursday, May 01, 2008

when you finally realised the mistake that you make.
the wrongs you have done.
the lies you have told.
the shameful things that you have done.
what is left of you?

maybe this is depression..
but i would say its not.
its guilt. its finally feeling remorse..

i have a monster living in me..
and this monster have been living my life
and ruining it.
and i got no one else but myself to blame.
its a secret pet that i keep inside of me to
destroy myself eventually.

but now it destroy the most important thing
i ever had in my life. YOU and JR BB
my paranoia is the culprit and so is me
i let it run free. gave it too much freedom.
i know nothing i say can make things turn around
aftall i am the scumbag... the fucker... the one who shld die
( i am sure i am being cursed like this )
and believe me i think i deserved to be cursed like this.
lets not dwell at that topic anymore i guess

what i only do right now is like what you said
take things really slowly.. really slowly
start dating again. i don't know if i will ever be good enough
for you again. but i will and am trying my best.
i am not letting that monster controlling me anymore
because i realised that doesn't mean someone did that to me
everyone who comes along will.

i guess right now words don't mean a thing.
i am already the sinner. but before you send me the death sentence
give me a chance to salvage this. i hope when God died on the cross
to wash away our sins.. i hope i was included... because i am been forsaken and
outcast enough by my very own family.

our own pain could never be express in words.
i'm sorry for the pain i've caused to you, all and everyone in my life
it may not help at all or maybe you guys might think that its just
a moment of guilt. i can only say that, its not whether my words
can be believed again or not its everyone's own choice.

i am at mercy. prepare the noose. sharpen those knifes.
i will not struggle. i'll welcome all with my hands wide open.
( no this is not suicide but to those who wants to kill me )

and no i am really not sinking into depression ...
like i said its the sense of guilt..

but please believe when i say. i love you
and i love junior bb our son.

| The.Goodbye. 5/01/2008 06:31:00 PM |

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